We Almost Went Our Separate Ways
It is a desperately hard thing for two people that, deeply love each other, to accept that they have a problem which is likely to end with both parties going their separate ways.
I had been with my beautiful wife for three years after dating for around eighteen months. We were happy, very happy, but we used to argue a great deal – we are both very stubborn, we both have differing views on world issues, and neither of us deal with stress very well in all honesty. We coped reasonably well but life can throw you a lot of curve-balls at times. Our debt was spiraling, we worked different hours, one of our elderly relatives needed quite a lot of care for a time, all of which led us to arguing constantly, day and night, about everything.
Afterwards, we would often be in floods of tears, wondering why we were tearing each other apart when we loved each other so much. We had no answers, work/life constraints made it almost impossible for us to consider any possible answers, so things came to a point where we were making plans to go our separate ways. This was when we came across a documentary about surrendered wives, and then on the other foot, female-led relationships.
The comparisons to their marriages and ours were stark, almost unnervingly similar. Two strong-willed, strong minded, individual mindsets that frequently butted heads – it showed that it creates an atmosphere which is not only de-constructive, but where nothing is ever agreed or finalized, leading to all sorts of problems.
It showed that you are highly unlikely to maintain a relationship where two people have the same, stubborn mantra and that something has to change – neither of us really thought we would get anything out of this programme, but it showed us where we were and that there was an alternative – the question was, who would step down?
Both of us agreed to write our terms for “leading”, and show them to each other, and agreed to debate the matter in a civilized way without arguing. Being stubborn, I fully expected to win but it came very clear that my wife was in fact better than me at certain, crucial things such as managing money, as well as the fact that she spent a lot of her free time constructively and I couldn’t really argue that spending time drinking down the pub and playing on my Playstation was a good use of my time.
So I agreed. It was a steep learning curve, steep as I have ever faced but things began to happen that I didn’t expect; I didn’t realize how much things were getting on top of me and what I was doing to seek an “outlet” for the stresses and strains of everyday life; after a time, all of those feelings fade into having one goal, one thought process – the only thing that should concern you is being obedient without question. I struggled at times, as anyone would, but it’s a question of focus and accepting someone as your superior, in every way.
My wife explained that there were a lot of things she was going to change and that I wouldn’t like a lot of them, but she wanted to be fair, and provide reasonings behind her actions. The first was not being allowed to have male friends and limited male contact – I would not be allowed to have female friends (apart from hers) the same age either – I would only be permitted to spend time with senior ladies; her reasoning was that I spent to much money, drank too much and was easily “led astray”; she said she was the only friend I would ever need. The second was that I had to consider her friends and family in the same was – I was effectively “in service to her” and should feel the same way about everyone else as well.
This was very hard – her Mother has a sharp tongue and never seems to be happy with anyone or anything, but I was told in no uncertain terms that she was my Goddess, and she was the Goddess’ Mother. Every Saturday, she and her friend Doris would come over to our house and she would set their hair in rollers, whilst I went to the pub to get away from them. She told me that from now on, she would be teaching me how to do it and then it would be my responsibility to do their hair every week. This was very difficult, but I found it much easier to communicate when you maintain a subservient nature and I found myself enjoying it and serving them tea under the dryer, in fact, I became quite good at it.
After a while, I could understand why these changes were made – I was calmer, politer, used almost no bad language and found that my wife and I had a lot more in common. She wanted to further this, so she started buying me Ladies Interest Magazines and it helped even more.
Several years on, we are enormously happy; she controls all our finances, I also dress her, bathe her, handle all the housework and continue to learn and be inspired by this amazing, beautiful woman; it’s hard at times, but so is life – all I know is that our present situation is a thousand times better than it used to be, and we are physically fitter, healthier, wealthier and happier than we have ever been. An FLR is not just a lifestyle choice, it can also be the solution to a great many issues – I’m so pleased to be in service to my amazing lady, and I hope I can only improve and learn to do more.