How I Let Go of My Stupid Male Ego

This happened in late November 2013, about a dozen years after i had my first spanking, the event that changed over a decades of playing with Femdom and FLR to really living it.

The first 20 years together, i tried to pretend i was the stereotypical good husband. i helped out with domestic chores, but when i did i acted like i was being special and She should be grateful. It was my attitude to appear “cool”, so She would want me, i think, and i tried to put on the demeanor of “good husband”. However, from my earliest memories, i had wanted to be dominated and humbled, usually by one or more women, though sometimes it would be puplicly in front of mixed groups. When i would show Her the porn that would turn me on, if it had a Femdom theme, it was like She just didn’t see it, She didn’t grasp the concept.

O/our marriage has evolved, it’s over 47 years since W/we met and lost O/our virginity to each other, though that happened months later. Since this was during the socially tumultuous years of the late 60’s, with “free love” and the “sexual revolution” in the news constantly, i had the idea that the W/we should have an open marriage. Since i was the “man” She let me have my way on almost everything, it took Her a long time to appreciate Her power, and during the 7th or 8th year of marriage i did have a one night stand. She was aware of it, and could have stopped it, but i think She was interested to see what i discovered having sex with someone else. Then, a few months later She became emotionally attached to a coworker. i became a cuckold and i was told to move out, while She stayed with O/our child and tried to make a go of the relationship with this other man. It didn’t work out and after counseling W/we got back together, about 3 months later.

Until the 90’s, that’s how things remained, me trying to be a good husband but secretly wanting to be Her submissive. Finally while on a camping trip while the child was off to college, i broke down and begged Her to try dominating me, in tears and on my knees. She told me She would play one weekend a month, since i seemed so desperate.

It turns out that i was having a lot of trouble reconciling my desire to serve with actually having to be obedient. My male ego would tie me up in knots and I was driving Her crazy, arguing and topping from the bottom, acting like doing the dishes was such a great contribution and being a real ass.

She quit several times, though always returned to it over the next ten years. On the day She first spanked me, I was afraid of the beating but more afraid She would stop being dominant, at least until She started hitting me. Then i found out how different fantasy was. i had thought an OTK spanking would be erotic, instead it broke my will. I found myself scared of getting another one more than just about anything and finally was able to let go of my stupid male ego.

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