Are You a Lazy Dominant?
So you’re a lazy dominant. At least that is what men tell you. I am not sure if this happened to you but I was told this on a few occasions back when I first introduced myself into the BDSM community.
When I joined the BDSM community I was under the impression that I would be a domme. I imagined myself tying men up, hurting them and humiliating them for my pleasure. I felt that this would prove that I was a strong woman.
Well, I was wrong about every notion that I had.
The internet version of a domme is different from how dommes are in real life. The internet version of leather wearing women with spiked heels standing over a kneeling man with a whip is purely a man’s fantasy. The only way he can get that is to hire someone to do it. Real dommes have real lives and may enjoy that type of play in their free time but even then it is rare.
What is a real domme like? She’s a regular woman with a job, goals, fears and chewing gum in her purse. What differentiates her from the average woman is the fact that she sincerely and truly enjoys giving instructions to others and having them follow them. It excites her soul to have her wishes followed to the letter.
I met one woman who was with her submissive (another woman) and they explained that they are a perfect match because the dominant woman absolutely loves challenging the submissive woman to do things in a precise way and the submissive woman got a thrill from meeting that challenge.
So why am I called a lazy dominant so often?
Well, it’s because I am not really a dominant, not in the BDSM sense of the word. I am a progressive, innovative, self-starter with many, many projects on my plate. Because I manage Conquer Him people automatically assume that I am a controlling or mean and forceful. I am far from that. I’m not exactly ‘nice’ but I love to have fun and laugh and I don’t care one way or the other if you listen to my instructions. If I offer advice it is for your benefit, not mine.
I support myself without the help of anyone, alone in a city where I have no friends or family and I do not have a steady 9 to 5 job. I have to protect myself. I am my only support. In other words, I am extremely busy trying to sustain my lifestyle, stay safe and make a difference in the lives of others through my creative work.
When it comes to men and dating, I can’t be bothered to train a man on how he could add to my life. This is when men make the remark that I am a lazy dominant. These men believe that every dominant woman should focus her attention on training a man to meet her needs and grooming him to be a better person, checking up on him and offering punishments to keep him in line. Do you think I have time for any of that?
In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I will probably be single for the rest of my life. I am on a steady path of progress already and I am so proud of myself. To stop my progress so that I can sit there and teach a man how to add to my life seems crazy to me. And what if he never gets it right? Should I give him 3 months, 6 months of my energy when I am doing fine by myself? What would make me stop my progress to test him out to see if he can be an asset to my life? Why would I put my life on hold for a man in that way?
Am I a lazy dominant?
If you consider a dominant woman to be one who enjoys giving instructions and guidelines and reinforcing them then I am not a dominant woman at all. I am a busy woman. If I were to ever meet someone who could prove that he could add to my life without me having to stop my progress then maybe I would consider him but I honestly find that training men is too much wasted time for me.
The men who present themselves as trainable really just want to be controlled. They want the focus to be on their desire to be under authority, reprimanding them, reminding them of things they need to do. That is the essence of femdom. That sounds like an extra job to me. Why would that be appealing?
If I were a woman who could leave my 9 to 5 at work and come home with lots of play time and free time and no other goals to achieve then Femdom might be a fun outlet for me to spend time focusing on a man. But I have great goals for my time in this world and I can’t waste a minute on trying to pull someone along with me.
If you want to come with me, jump on board. You should already have the skills and desire to serve because that is how I would notice you and come to love you. At this point I have no dedicated person with the skills necessary to help me reach any of my goals. Every man I meet who says he is impressed with my work talks a good game but never follows it with consistent action. And you wonder why I am single. Constantly telling a man what to do and how to do it, if it’s not his passion and interest, isn’t productive to me.
Yes, I am a lazy dominant and I am not ashamed. Or don’t call me a dominant at all. I do not experience pleasure from enforcing rules or guidelines and focusing my attention on what a man is doing or not doing. I experience pleasure from reaching my goals. It would be so nice to meet someone who experienced pleasure from assisting me in reaching my goals too. This is the essence of a Loving FLR where the goal is empowering the woman.
Men who are hung up on Femdom despise women who are working diligently to improve themselves and don’t have time to be their warden. They want the majority of attention to be focused on them, their orgasms, their kinks and quirks. That is why they may say that I am lazy.
I am okay with that. When you say I am lazy then you are really saying – I want you to focus more on me than you are focusing on yourself. That is femdom. That is not a loving Female Led Relationship.
Don’t let any man make you feel guilty for being who you are. If you are a POWERFUL woman with dreams and plans to impact the world, don’t stop your progress to try to pull a man along. You don’t need a follower, you need someone who is just as capable and smart as you are to be your teammate. A woman who is set to impact the world needs a partner who has the same vision to create happiness through joint achievement instead of gauging happiness by how often and how forceful she is at controlling what he does.
Don’t allow him to fool you into believing that giving him rules and enforcing them is what makes you a dominant. It actually makes you a servant of his because you are no longer focused on your own progress.
This is about YOU. Your happiness is the priority. If he can’t add to that on his own without demanding that you focus on him, you don’t really need him. And guess what? You never lose out because you are still making progress all by yourself. Keep shining.
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Great article, it’s always interesting to read your perspective. As I read this I found myself asking myself if I am guilty of focusing on myself under the guise of focusing on my wife. Articles like this challenge me to honestly look at my actions and motivations to make sure I’m really putting my wife first in all things, not just paying lip service. I really do want to serve my wife first so this helps me be vigilant about backsliding.
You have such a healthy outlook about what you want in FLR. I’m stunned that you don’t have true gentlemen pounding down your door to partner with you.
Thank you for the information, keep up the great work.
The problem is sometimes you love the man, and yes you want him to part of your life. Sometimes you love him so much that you can’t imagine life without him. Yes, there are times when it might be easier to walk away, but even domes cry.
If you are telling him what to do and enforcing rules because it’s what HE wants, that means you are actually not dominating him; you are his servant.
This has long been my opinion. I appreciate that you voiced it here. 🙂
YES! Spot on! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Love!
I agree wholeheartedly.
Is there a time in the early stages of a relationship where it’s acceptable to cater to the needs of your sub man?
I am new to this lifestyle and all the terms, techniques and tools were introduced to me by him.
He clearly knows what he wants and I understand that these things such as controlled orgasms and punishments get the results we both want but I find myself with confusing emotions and thoughts around these actions. I feel like I haven’t explored what I want enough yet and I would like to go down this road together. It seems that these things have both practical value and sexual, kinky fun value.
I don’t want to do these things because he wants them but I don’t want to not do them if they are an integral part of our progress. Also he is the only one I can talk to about my feelings so me going to him for guidance seems counterproductive. I
Join the FLR Coaching Program. Here is the link: http://coaching.conquerhim.com/flr-coaching-women/
This article reminds me strongly of a girlfriend I had in high school. She was incredibly smart and driven, and it was clear her classes – and later her scientific research – were of utmost importance. At the time, I was not as submissive-leaning as I am now. I mean, I did kind of worship her, in a way – she was always a superior being in general, and already a huge boon to the human race – but I broke up with her largely because I felt neglected and because I thought we just weren’t a lifelong match (in part because she was strictly vanilla and proper and I had the filthiest mind I knew). She did not prioritize our relationship at all – I and “we/us” were at the bottom of a ladder of priorities she had – whereas, for me, I devoted myself almost entirely to her and to our relationship – until I broke it off completely. I couldn’t do anything halfway at the time – I was either all in our out.
Now, as a grown adult, she continues her scientific research, continuing to discover entirely new things about the universe as we know it and contributing to the human knowledge pool. She volunteers and is down-to-earth and is basically loved by all she touches. She is healthy and one of the wisest and most intelligent people I have ever met. This woman – this kind of woman – is not lazy at all, but could truly be an amazing dominant in the way you (writer) seem to indicate could fit with a life like yours. What I mean is… I would love to serve her, no longer needing the attention I wanted before, and not needing training from her. I already know she is above me – she needn’t reinforce it any way. I would gladly do her chores, work to help pay for things like housing and healthcare, and do whatever else to free up her time. Why? Because the more free time she has, the more she will contribute to the world by her mere presence and work in it. And the happier and more content she is, the more and better she can further grace the world with everything she is. I think I could be the kind of a submissive that might actually interest you, but it takes a right kind of combination – a right kind of woman, like this one. I would not serve just any other woman in this way. There are many women out there who are not as intelligent, wise, kind, or contributory as she is.
Anyway… The story with that woman is basically over because since that time, life has taken its course and I’ve been married to somebody else, and we have children. I am submissive to my wife, but it’s not exactly the same. I see my wife as my equal – not above me. She sometimes does generate awe and wonder in me – albeit in a different way – but she doesn’t fully understand the whole concept of my submission to her. She definitely sees male submission as my simply being a “doormat” or requiring more mothering or something of that nature – which is not at all how it has to be.
Cutting that part off, I just want to reiterate the main idea of my response here… The “lazy” dominant isn’t lazy at all. She has her own priorities and responsibilities and has – even if unintentionally – earned submission. She is truly superior, and so the submission flows to her. The sincerely submissive man doesn’t – or shouldn’t – need tending to or dressing up for and setting aside special time for. Instead, he deeply desires to make his wife’s/girlfriend’s/domme’s life easier, so that she can be healthier, stronger, happier, and better at being who she is and continuing to bring all of herself to bear upon the rest of the universe.
Ms. Patterson, you already seem like an accomplished, intelligent, and driven woman with priorities and goals of your own, and a truly submissive man for you will recognize that you are not at all lazy and that, on the contrary, you are busy contributing to the righteous cause of advocating for alternative relationships and, in particular, women’s natural power over men. You are a spark of conversation, and mixer of thoughts from across the globe via the internet, and an advocate for having an open mind and seeking diplomatic understanding between varying value systems. I have little doubt that a man will find you who will want little more than to make your life easier – with fewer chores and less stress, not more – so that you can continue your noble work and, in general, gracing the world with all those traits and abilities of yours I just described. You, too, have already earned true submission – or are at least earning it now – and so you shouldn’t have to tend to a submissive in any way. He should honor and respect that you are already above, and make it his goal to facilitate your achieving yours. There are many such men around the world – some of whom you may deem worthy enough to serve you in that way – so I think it’s just a matter of time for you.