Are You a Lazy Dominant?
So you’re a lazy dominant. At least that is what men tell you. I am not sure if this happened to you but I was told this on a few occasions back when I first introduced myself into the BDSM community.
When I joined the BDSM community I was under the impression that I would be a domme. I imagined myself tying men up, hurting them and humiliating them for my pleasure. I felt that this would prove that I was a strong woman.
Well, I was wrong about every notion that I had.
The internet version of a domme is different from how dommes are in real life. The internet version of leather wearing women with spiked heels standing over a kneeling man with a whip is purely a man’s fantasy. The only way he can get that is to hire someone to do it. Real dommes have real lives and may enjoy that type of play in their free time but even then it is rare.
What is a real domme like? She’s a regular woman with a job, goals, fears and chewing gum in her purse. What differentiates her from the average woman is the fact that she sincerely and truly enjoys giving instructions to others and having them follow them. It excites her soul to have her wishes followed to the letter.
I met one woman who was with her submissive (another woman) and they explained that they are a perfect match because the dominant woman absolutely loves challenging the submissive woman to do things in a precise way and the submissive woman got a thrill from meeting that challenge.
So why am I called a lazy dominant so often?
Well, it’s because I am not really a dominant, not in the BDSM sense of the word. I am a progressive, innovative, self-starter with many, many projects on my plate. Because I manage Conquer Him people automatically assume that I am a controlling or mean and forceful. I am far from that. I’m not exactly ‘nice’ but I love to have fun and laugh and I don’t care one way or the other if you listen to my instructions. If I offer advice it is for your benefit, not mine.
I support myself without the help of anyone, alone in a city where I have no friends or family and I do not have a steady 9 to 5 job. I have to protect myself. I am my only support. In other words, I am extremely busy trying to sustain my lifestyle, stay safe and make a difference in the lives of others through my creative work.
When it comes to men and dating, I can’t be bothered to train a man on how he could add to my life. This is when men make the remark that I am a lazy dominant. These men believe that every dominant woman should focus her attention on training a man to meet her needs and grooming him to be a better person, checking up on him and offering punishments to keep him in line. Do you think I have time for any of that?
In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I will probably be single for the rest of my life. I am on a steady path of progress already and I am so proud of myself. To stop my progress so that I can sit there and teach a man how to add to my life seems crazy to me. And what if he never gets it right? Should I give him 3 months, 6 months of my energy when I am doing fine by myself? What would make me stop my progress to test him out to see if he can be an asset to my life? Why would I put my life on hold for a man in that way?
Am I a lazy dominant?
If you consider a dominant woman to be one who enjoys giving instructions and guidelines and reinforcing them then I am not a dominant woman at all. I am a busy woman. If I were to ever meet someone who could prove that he could add to my life without me having to stop my progress then maybe I would consider him but I honestly find that training men is too much wasted time for me.
The men who present themselves as trainable really just want to be controlled. They want the focus to be on their desire to be under authority, reprimanding them, reminding them of things they need to do. That is the essence of femdom. That sounds like an extra job to me. Why would that be appealing?
If I were a woman who could leave my 9 to 5 at work and come home with lots of play time and free time and no other goals to achieve then Femdom might be a fun outlet for me to spend time focusing on a man. But I have great goals for my time in this world and I can’t waste a minute on trying to pull someone along with me.
If you want to come with me, jump on board. You should already have the skills and desire to serve because that is how I would notice you and come to love you. At this point I have no dedicated person with the skills necessary to help me reach any of my goals. Every man I meet who says he is impressed with my work talks a good game but never follows it with consistent action. And you wonder why I am single. Constantly telling a man what to do and how to do it, if it’s not his passion and interest, isn’t productive to me.
Yes, I am a lazy dominant and I am not ashamed. Or don’t call me a dominant at all. I do not experience pleasure from enforcing rules or guidelines and focusing my attention on what a man is doing or not doing. I experience pleasure from reaching my goals. It would be so nice to meet someone who experienced pleasure from assisting me in reaching my goals too. This is the essence of a Loving FLR where the goal is empowering the woman.
Men who are hung up on Femdom despise women who are working diligently to improve themselves and don’t have time to be their warden. They want the majority of attention to be focused on them, their orgasms, their kinks and quirks. That is why they may say that I am lazy.
I am okay with that. When you say I am lazy then you are really saying – I want you to focus more on me than you are focusing on yourself. That is femdom. That is not a loving Female Led Relationship.
Don’t let any man make you feel guilty for being who you are. If you are a POWERFUL woman with dreams and plans to impact the world, don’t stop your progress to try to pull a man along. You don’t need a follower, you need someone who is just as capable and smart as you are to be your teammate. A woman who is set to impact the world needs a partner who has the same vision to create happiness through joint achievement instead of gauging happiness by how often and how forceful she is at controlling what he does.
Don’t allow him to fool you into believing that giving him rules and enforcing them is what makes you a dominant. It actually makes you a servant of his because you are no longer focused on your own progress.
This is about YOU. Your happiness is the priority. If he can’t add to that on his own without demanding that you focus on him, you don’t really need him. And guess what? You never lose out because you are still making progress all by yourself. Keep shining.