I Want to Accept A Woman’s Superiority

I am a submissive man, 51 yrs old. I live in the L.A. area close to Pasadena. For the longest time my submissive nature has been present, at times it has even been a problem. Sometimes teased for the shy aspect of it that I had, sometimes perhaps taken advantage of. In other words, it got associated with a theme of shame in my life. I tried to conceal it to no avail.

As a large part of it, I felt the most challenging aspect to be that part in my interactions with females. I’m talking socially mainly, because I did often over-compensate by participating in stereotypically tough sports, like football. I could gain some distance from other males and their ridicule by just that. I was pretty good, and I got some respect out my physical efforts. That didn’t play necessarily with women though, whose power of intuition could see right through the “helmet”. I desired them extremely, sexually, and socially. I certainly wanted there amorous attention, but just as much, their acceptance of me and my vulnerability. Perceived perhaps as weak, for the stammering effort to approach them, I was mostly turned away by many that I so desired. It’s just how it often works on the playground. There were some exceptions, and these I started to discover were a type that were protective, strongly assertive, and dominant.

A former girlfriend sort of “discovered me” and with her strong personality, brought out this deeply seeded quality of into greater acceptance. She basically approached it like a possession, and would “tell” me what we were going to do, where we were going to go. We did have fun, but I had the lesser say in what to do, unless I could convince her of its value. Even in sex, she would just take it when she wanted. She named my penis and she often talked to me about her “relationship” with it, if you can believe. It was as if I myself was a 3rd party at times. It was hers, they had an “understanding” and I was the conveyance for it when needed. I actually resisted at first but then something changed, something that hasn’t truly eroded since – I began to eroticize the domination she had me under.

She could and would queen me, usually first by playful wrestling, get me down but then would sit on me (face or chest) and keep me there, force a struggle for air sometimes.  I think one of the boldest demonstrations on her part was giving me silk underwear for Christmas knowing that gifts were opened in front everyone at the festivities. So she’s there at my parent’s house when I tear open the wrapping and you can imagine the bliss of the room turning to a muffled hush when I pulled out two satiny boxers! Just tell my folks and family that we have sex and that you dress me for it! I smile about it now.

In later times we would act our roles in subtle ways. If watching TV alone, she would put me in a thong and yet remain dressed herself. I was made to cuddle next to her while her attention was on the screen, and she would simply hold me at the hip with her free hand around me and low. So the image was to me like I was a tender possession. My feet up on the sofa so that my knees were up near my chest and she was holding me, her gentle man, cupped under the buttocks. I could be sent to fetch food, I might have to rub her feet. It was extremely powerful to me. It made me feel something very tangible and exciting. Publicly and privately she was in charge – At the cost of some discomfort at times. Cause though I enjoyed pleasing her, I wasn’t always ready for the court of public opinion. So if we’re standing in line for tickets, and she is holding my little butt with her hand, pulling up against her like a purse, I am trying hard to not look around at the snickering crowd, not to hear the whispers. Her strength was in that she didn’t care. My frailty was in that I did.

We didn’t stay together as it turns out. But at some point I was hooked on that feeling, and ever since I have been trying to find that sort of dynamic in a female led relationship, but with minimal success. I honestly still conceal it from most that I date, to the degree that I can – again fearing the judgement of being “weak”. I’d love it if they “allowed” me to just consider them as stronger, and they would stay.

I also can’t resist exploring other aspects further. Like i said above, I eroticize a woman’s power, and now discretely pursue BDSM, fetish opportunities  when I can, underscoring  sissification, fantasy wrestling/smothers and other styles. To this day I still have a fetish for the strong curves, butt and thighs of a woman, especially when those parts of her body are particularly endowed. Basically, in the sexual sense, I like being overpowered and humiliated by strong dominant beautiful women. Alas, I do find this pursuit to be somewhat lonely and even addictive to the point of risk. Yet a FLR seems less so to me.

I want to be in the right hands, so to speak, find a safe place for the erotic aspect, but perhaps with less of the shame. I still want to keep my dignity as a man, but with a humility to accept a special woman her superiority and sense of structure .. something I want to understand and explore. I’m going to have to get some courage.

Nendo

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