I Was Born Into A Racist Family
PREVIOUSLY FROM THE BLACK ONYX: I Am Not The Female Hitler
A few days had passed since I had deactivated my Fet account. It was then that I remembered a lady that I had met who was a local Chicagoan. She sold candles that she handmade. I’d always loved candles and needed her email address that was in a message from her on the site. I knew FET gave seven days before they closed a deviacted account indefinitely. That gave me a few days to get it. I logged in and went to my inbox. More mail the same as before I assumed. I scrolled down to find the sender I was searching for when I came across a message titled “need someone to talk to” – and it made me pause. It didn’t have the aura to it like the other mail I was avoiding. Curiosity got the better of me very quickly, so I opened the message and began to read:
Hi, I’m not active in the community I’m new. I just needed to unload on someone. I’ve followed you on the site and have read some of the things you have said about race issues and your right. Which is why I chose you to message. I come from an extremely racist white family and I am the proof that racism does horrific damage to the world. My grandfather has told stories of the lynches that he and other men did to Black people in the 50’s down south. He tells these tales as if he is sitting around a campfire talking about a military story. He, family and friends laugh, hoot and holler to egg the stories on. I’ve grown up listening to every minority be called bad names and never as an individual name but nigger, chink, wet back, etc.
At family functions and on holidays one of my relatives was sure to entertain us with stories about a co-worker who, along with other Caucasian employees, plotted to get a minority fired or just blamed them if they made a mistake. They laugh about it as if those people don’t eat or need money to live. Its always been this way in my family and its all I know. Last week a new student transferred to my school. She’s a rather large black girl and she is only one of a very small number of non-whites at my school. The thing is, as soon as sat down at her desk I was filled with such hate for this girl that I did not know. I made sarcastic remarks toward her, mocked her for no reason and wanted everyone to be mean to her. When I got out of class it was lunch time, a few friends and I decided to leave school for our lunch hour. I was sitting in the car and it was then that it hit me that I was a fucking racist. I was just like them. I AM just like them. My whole world came crashing down on me in my mind. I told my friends to take me home because I wasn’t feeling well.
That evening at home I cringed every time someone knocked on my door to check on me. I didn’t want to look any of them in the face. I was feeling the same thing for them that I had felt for that girl earlier. I hated them. I do hate them. I’ve become a little distant from a lot of people since then and the guilt causes me to look up anything related to racial madness in this country. And that’s probably why I’ve followed you here. I need help getting away from these people. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I know I’m running away from here. I don’t know what else to do. If you don’t respond to this I understand and wouldn’t blame you if you don’t.
It was alarming because she mentioned school which could be college but the “runaway” part – kids run away, adults just leave. I was convinced this girl was a kid…and she was on an adult kink website. It unnerved me and there was no questioning that I needed to reply to her. I did and we messaged each other for a few days. I was attentive to her for I knew if I came on too strong as an authority figure it could run her away. I learned she came from a privileged and well to do family. As well as my fears were revealed and she was only a 17 year old senior in high school. Apparently she and her friends had read 50 Shades of Grey hence her introduction to BDSM which led her to FET months earlier.
The last correspondence we had she said something to me that I will never forget. She wrote, “The people in my family don’t have a soul. And they are teaching me not to have one. I have to leave so I don’t burn in hell. I need to be reprogrammed or else a lot of minorities are going to suffer when they cross my path.”
It was at that time it was time for me to tell her what she needed to hear as a child in a world she new very little about. I replied my last message to her and it read:
You are an amazing young lady and I’m happy to have met you. You have done something that many has yet to do which is to become wise for one so young. Most 17 year olds are crushing on boys and thinking about upcoming concerts, clothes and the newest cell phone. Not you. The first rule to any recovery is to recognize that there is indeed a problem. You have done this, and for this reason there is no doubt in my mind that your going to be okay and get through this. I’m not a bit worried that you will do intentional harm to anyone who isn’t white. You have spent enough time suffering over it for it to be etched into your brain and heart. Embrace the pain and it will be your reminder to wrong no other.
What bothers me about you is not in regard to race but for your safety. You are 17 and although your mature for your age you are still a kid. Runaway children never return home with a good story…if they ever return home and not found dead somewhere. Leaving this way is not how you handle this. You don’t want to become heartless like your family? GREAT. But you don’t fuck yourself trying to get away from something, you get a plan. You are less than a year away from 18 and college – you wanna get away you do it the right way and you get away with a safety net beneath you. You choose a school on the other side of the nation or the other side of the world if you want. When you come home in the summer you get a job get 2 of them so you don’t have to see them often and in small increments of time.
On holidays you tell them your going to volunteer at a shelter or church so again your limiting the time you have to see them. You hate them and hate how they live then USE them to work for you. Your parents owe you an education they brought you into this world, and you don’t have to be who they want but who YOU want. Take advantage of your education and THATS how the hell you get away from them. Upon graduation you can walk away and never look back if you please. But you can’t survive in life without a skill. Get that and you can go wherever you want and be who you want to be. If you can’t stand to be around them now take my advice and start early – get involved in extra curricular activities at school or get a job if you don’t have one. Monopolize ALL of your time in a way they won’t object and before you know it you will be away meeting your dorm roomate. It can work just give it a try.
Its at this time I must cease communication with you. I’m breaking the law talking to you once you said that your underage. But I wanted you to weigh your options not reck your life sweetie. Do this the right way and save your soul. And get your ass off this site. 50 Shades of Grey doesn’t even touch the surface of BDSM what the hell is wrong with you? This isn’t a fucking book these people are Sadists and Masochists. Some wanna be choked unconscious others wanna be carved like a goddamn thanksgiving turkey this is no place for kids. Stop relying on fiction and TV to teach you everything use your damn head. Come back at 18 and get all the knowledge you can if your really interested in this community but you do it after you got basic secondary education out the way not before.
I’m going to check to see if your still on here and if I see you its my responsibility as an adult and as a woman to report you. Don’t put yourself through all that its not worth the drama. Go change your life and make asses out of that family of yours. You may share their blood but you don’t share their heart. Your cut from a better cloth. Be safe, take care and change the world.
She replied with a simple “Yes ma’am. Thank you.” and I believed her. I believed she would not run away and she would take some of my advice if not all. And she stayed on my mind for weeks after that. I’d kept my profile active because I wanted to see if she was still lurking after 7 days. She wasnt and I could only pray she didn’t active a new profile under a new screen name. But my gut was satisfied and told me she hadn’t. But her words haunted me. She didn’t have a soul, she needed to be reprogrammed. She didn’t have a soul and she needed to be reprogrammed. And I thought about the mail from the Caucasian kinksters. I’d always known not all people were the same. Those people along with the child had definitely proved there indeed were whites who recognized their privilege. Whites who didn’t get offended when racism was pointed out. Whites who freely admitted that the world was set up to benefit them and them only. Whites who didn’t find discrimination entertaining, whites who struggled with witnessing racism, and whites who admitted that they were racist and wanted to be reprogrammed for they feared the destruction of their soul. If more people thought and lived like those people the world would be a better place to live. If only.
I had made a decision. I logged into FET and deactivated my account for the last time.
….and activated a new one.
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