My Personal Challenges During The FLR Training
I have written about some of the major issues the women in our Female Led Training group presented during our 4 weeks together and now it is time to offer my own issues.
Understanding that I am a student of FLR just like you, I organize these trainings because I am a teacher and gifted at bringing people together for a common cause. While I am not new at creating a vision and seeing it come to pass, this was my first time coaching a group of women about Female Led Relationships.
My goal is to break down the information I glean from personal interviews with men and women in FLRs into bite sized lessons that women can digest and retain for their personal use.
I use a variety of methods to present this information, videos, live lectures, quizzes and group discussion questions yet, I was completely unprepared for certain issues like…
Being asked how to get the attention of powerful men.
One student was single and ready to participate in a loving FLR. I prepared her as much as I could by offering her tips on how to recognize a submissive man, how to engage with him to encourage his submission and the number one way to guarantee that any man you engage with will always meet your needs but I had no idea how to answer when she wrote- When I am at an event with powerful men, there are many women around and they are all fighting for his attention. How do I stand out and get them to know that I am the Goddess that they want to serve?4
I was speechless.
Even though the course was over at this point, I offered her an additional private call to discuss. She accepted and we spent an hour on the call discussing her attitudes about relationships. I realized that we approached things completely different.
While I never, ever, ever put any effort into attracting a partner and never even think about what men around me may think of me, she said this was very important to her.
She somehow felt like there was a competition when men were around and I prodded her for more information about that. To me that is the opposite of what I teach. If a woman feels that other women are her competition then, she must consider the man to be the prize in a relationship and she must put in effort to win him.
I have no understanding of that logic or behavior.
She went on to explain to me that she is really tired of being alone and wants the support of an awesome man. She said she likes community, helping others and being supported by others as well.
Once again, I have no such desires. I have been doing my work alone for so long that I am conditioned to earning my way the hard way, figuring things out for myself and taking the long road toward my success. I have a vision to secure myself enough finances so that when I am older, I can enjoy a peaceful existence alone without hoping for someone to care for me.
Any man who wants to be a part of my life will have to convince me that he deserves it and I am very difficult to convince because my life is really full right now and sweet. And peaceful. And any person who wants to interrupt that will need a damn good reason.
I ended up telling her that there are two ways to attract a powerful man. One is to be his support by being his submissive, the other is to be as powerful and magical as he is so that he will want to engage with YOU instead of you yearning to meet him.I also encouraged her to choose from among the men that approach her.
When men approach me I consider:
Is this man attractive to me?
Does he have a service to offer that I find useful?
Is he appreciative of my time?
Does he treat me like I am the most beautiful woman he has ever seen?
And then I go from there to gauge whether I like the way he treats me. The moment I feel pressured or disrespected or inconvenienced, I let it go completely. I do not compromise. I do not re consider. I trust myself. I will not beg or cajole a man into behaving properly. I would be an asset to any man’s life. I am very sweet and supportive and wise. I do not believe in forcing people into my life and honestly my life is just fine as a single woman. I do not yearn for a relationship at all. I am busy making all of my dreams come true.
I do not identify with an intense yearning for a romantic or personal connection. I do not understand what it means to cry at night wanting a partner. I have no idea how someone can hurt wondering if they will have a chance to love and be loved. She tried to explain it to me and I wanted to understand but I could not connect with that sense of emptiness.
I do know how to help women put in effort to attract men so I am afraid I was unable to completely meet her needs.
That was not the only time where I felt like I could use more practice coaching. There was another time when…
I had to deliver strong criticism.
I am not a dominant during this training, but I have a strong and sometimes rigid personality. When women present their issues to me and I recognize the root cause, the person may not agree with me at all. This was the case with the woman who had the submissive man who required that she dominate him or he would not date her.
I immediately told her that he was being manipulative and that we had to devise a plan to take her authority back if she wanted it, otherwise she was being submissive. She was not happy with me saying that and I could feel that she pulled away for the rest of the course.
I am not here to criticize anyone or make them feel bad but if you present a problem and I see what the issue is, I have to tell you or we can not fix it. In her case fixing it, meant doing something that would upset him and she was not willing to do that. So I reinforced to her that if she is not willing to stand her ground, she was being submissive and only pretending to dominate.
That is hard to hear. Especially for a woman who is very much into being empowering for others.
Outside of Conquer Him, I have been coaching women for years. This week I heard from a woman who complained that she was consistently being used in her relationships. We set up a time to talk and I shared with her that she is a submissive personality and a very valuable woman because she has many skills. I told her to set a new standard. If someone she meets needs her help with basic life survival, she should take that as an indication that she should walk away. Once again, she did not like hearing that because she likes helping people and she became annoyed by my suggestion.
I know for a fact that I run the risk of bad reviews for my courses and coaching when I say things that people do not like to hear but in the long run, when the person gets over their emotional reaction they will see that what I said to them is true and from a place of love. But in the meantime they will be pissed off with me for challenging them to a higher standard.
There is one more area where I was challenged during this training program and it happened AFTER the course had ended…
I set strict limits for personal interactions.
Due to the many women’s empowerment projects I have done over the years, many women contact me to set up appointments to talk or seek advice. Most do not immediately ask for an appointment, they usually want to develop a friendship, which I tell them immediately that I can not offer them due to the demand for my time.
With this group, I felt a connection and I wanted to be there to see them all grow so I came up with an idea for a permanent Facebook group where everyone could join and share life after the training was over.
Even though I believe this would be a great idea for everyone, I debated it in my mind because I know myself. If I create a group like this and participate in it, I will be giving away my coaching for free. I know myself. I hate to see a woman in distress, especially when what she needs is something so simple to me. I had to learn a long time ago to set up boundaries and not allow people to get close because with my desire and ability to support women, a woman will gain too much from a friendship with me even when she has very little to offer in return.
As soon as the FLR training group was over, I received an email from a student asking me for professional advice on an unrelated topic. I guess she figured that since we had connected in the group, I would be willing to give her more of my time. That is when I realized that I have to set a more strict boundary.
So I had to stop making myself easily accessible to women. If any woman wants to speak to me for advice she has to make an appointment and she has to pay in advance. I can not offer a support Facebook group for free because I will end up taking my time to meet everyone’s needs which will take away from working on developing other projects. When I give without receiving for too long, I burn out and become angry at the world.
As you can see, even though I am working diligently to develop this FLR training and be a resource for women, I still have a lot of growing to do.