Stephen Colbert Believes Women Should Be In Control
Why does this gender inequality still persist, and how can we stop it? I don’t have all the answers. And frankly, it’s sexist of you to think I do just because I’m a man. C’mon!
Besides, it’s not my place to mansplain to you about the manstitutionalized manvantages built into Americman manciety. That would make me look like a real manhole.
To be honest, sometimes I wonder whether the world would be a better place if women were in charge. It would be pretty easy to make that happen. Simply tell the men of the world that you’re trying to start a campfire. While we’re all arguing with one another about proper kindling placement and whether using lighter fluid is cheating,* women can just quietly start getting stuff done.
But until that revolution I will continue to fight for women, because I’m a man who is deeply in touch with my femininity. I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh. Pooh and I definitely agree on the no-pants thing. As soon as I’m home, off they go—and I’m knuckle-deep in a pot of honey.
I love all the things women love: exfoliating microbeads, period costume dramas, Joe Manganiello’s second row of abs, pay commensurate with my skill set, York peppermint patties, Legolas, the respect of my colleagues, and being warm.
And physically women can relate to me. I have womanly hips—soft and grabbable, and they really fill out my low-rise Levi’s. I’ve got muffin top for days. Sure, the other hosts bring the eye candy. Jimmy Fallon has a boyish charm, and for the ladies who are into ladies, if you squint, Jimmy Kimmel kind of looks like a rugged Mila Kunis. But female viewers need more than a pretty face. They need someone who will represent their voice. And I think this essay has proved that I have an authentic female perspective, because most of it was written by two female writers on my staff.
Point is, I’m here for you, and that means I’m going to do my best to create a Late Show that not only appeals to women but also celebrates their voices.
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