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9 Responses to “Submissive Men Are Too Demanding

  • Yes! Yes! Yes!

    I wish more men understood this.

  • All this does is confirm that the life style is impossible and where wasting our time trying. The world is built on Male led relationships and those guys who don’t want that will be alone wanting it and paying for what they can get and the women that do want it will either find a guy to give it to them or just be alone until they find the right guy as well.

    • I disagree. These men need to call what they want by a different name. They shouldnt call it female led relationship if they want to tell the female how to lead. They should call it Abuse And Control Relationships. In a FLR it is about what the female wants it to be and not about being his dominating and abuse and control fantasy.

  • My sense is that a substantial portion of self-identifying straight, submissive men are better described as sexual bottoms. By that I mean that sexual arousal forms the central component of their submissive feelings. I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem, except when those guys are not self-aware and honest about their own limits, leading to miscommunication and disappointment with potential partners.

    To become ready to participate in a full-time FLR, a man needs to acknowledge and surrender a great deal of his male privilege. It’s easy to underestimate how much work that takes because as men we’ve been soaking in it since birth. For example, media and culture relentlessly reinforce the message that female sexuality exists for men’s enjoyment rather than for women’s own. Men were historically accustomed to purchasing access to female sexuality either through marriage or prostitution. Today the purchasing of sexuality continues through pornography, the use of which was once a marginalized activity, but has now become thoroughly normalized.

    Thus for many men, there remains a deeply entrenched (and commonly unexamined) attitude: His higher social status entitles him access to whatever gets him off, and he is unwilling to give up any privilege in order to get it. He can preserve his privilege as long as he confines his submission to a compartmentalized sexual fantasy by bottoming. But he must genuinely surrender it–at least within a relationship–in order to create the possibility of a sustainable FLR.

    I believe that ironically, the number of women open to an authentic FLR is greater than the number of men. But a large segment of men aren’t ready for one in reality.

  • I do not think we should be so dismissive of men’s and women’s concerns. In our culture, women are supposed to be attracted to “Type A” assertive guys. Men are expected to ask women out, plan the date, pay and follow up. Now if the man is submissive and doesn’t ask the girl out in most scenarios the woman will not ask them out and will lose interest. Same scenario if he does ask her out and is very nice, and shows any of his submissive traits the women would again lose attraction.

    It is not demanding if the guy is concerned that the women would lose respect and no longer be attracted to him if he starts to display his submissive side or comes right out and says it.

    Also, there is nothing wrong with kink between two consenting adults. Both men and women can be kinky. I do not agree that no women would want to get kinky with her partner and that they only do it to please their man. I know a lot of women that require their partner to share in their kinks. There are a lot of groups were men, and women get together to explore their kinky sides.

    An FLR at its heart is a relationship. Now if one is kinky and the other is unwilling to participate, they might not be compatible as a couple. A woman does take priority in an FLR, but their point of view is not the only one that matters.

    Allowing someone to make choices is not the only way to show respect. A woman could still appreciate the guy but no longer be attracted to him when he starts displaying his submissive side.

    I do agree that a decent amount of guys who claim to be submissive and want an FLR are just kinksters that want to explore their kinky side.

    Not all submissive men are, some could be kinky and want an FLR. Also, I disagree that all submissive men want complete control and to be subjected to forced domination.

    I want to be in an FLR, but I do not want someone that will assume total control of my life.

  • Regardless of gender, trying to led/control your partner in a relationship is a recipe for a train-wreck, at least for most people it is. One of the main reasons for breakups and divorces is, one or both parties complaining about the other being too controlling.

    • You seem to be late to the party here Junior. This type of relationship exists because they both agree that she should be in charge. It is a mutual choice.

  • I happen to know one man who is not primarily interested in being controlled, but rather in really loving the woman, his partner. Me!
    In my recovery and therapeutic work I am coming to terms with my deep respect for a strong woman and the comfort and meaning I enjoy in supporting her and following her leadership.

    Unfortunately, I am not perfect, and the woman who is willing to take me on will need to help me grow into the kind of man she needs, who is consistent in putting her first. But isn’t that the case in any relationship? No one is perfect.

  • Ugh! This is what I run into and so I do stay single. What I see is that submissive AND dominant men are too controlling. Now why is it that when Dominant Women want to control the relationship does it have to be so controlled by what the man wants? When a dominant man wants a submissive woman and HE controls everything, then not much is said but when it’s the other way around, then it becomes -the woman is too controlling, and it isn’t a viable relationship and he needs it to be the way he wants the rewards, punishments, kinks, sex, or control etc. to be..If men got out of the kinky Mistress, FetLife, CollarSpace etc. and just asked a women they like “What can I do for you?” or “Is there anything I can offer to help make your life easier today?” or “How do you like to be spoiled?” or “What goals/plans are you working on?” then says he could get behind those,,,things like that, and stopped thinking about themselves once off work, and do something to help a woman relax, ease her load, then there are so many women who would appreciate that type of man and the better her life becomes because of his involvement then the more respect he would get from her. I think men would be surprised at how uplifting it could be. But if he tries it with a woman who is used to being used by men who only want her as long as she keeps up the fantasy play and holds the relationship up to the level HE wants, then she probably won’t be respecting him anytime soon. A man can ask how a woman handles her money, no matter how much or little she has, if she can budget, save for things, etc. then she probably would use his the same, and he can ask how she’d use it, can try out a budget or certain amounts first etc. I think good women can be trusted and don’t mind taking time to gain that trust. But FinDoms, lol, those are another story…
    Maybe loving FLR should change the relationship name as to not be mixed up, something like WPR=Woman Power Relationships

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