We Never Called It A Female Led Relationship…But It Was
Carla and I started dating in the mid-1980s. It was a blind date set up by a mutual friend that had known me since our early teens and worked with Carla at a business in midtown Manhattan. Our first date was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
We met in the early afternoon. My first impression was she had a great smile and was striking to look at and assertive in conversation to say the least. She walked with purpose and held her head even. She was both humble and confident. She knew what she wanted. Her voice was steady and articulate.
She liked the fact that I asked good questions which meant I was listening, so we began sharing our philosophies, love of art, social and political leanings, and so forth. Our conversation lasted it seemed over five hours and included a small dinner and a glass of wine. She asked me whether I was doing anything the next night and so we made a date. It blossomed from there.
The second, third and fourth dates we talked even deeper about our desires and in the process we had extended hours of foreplay. She said she felt most comfortable being in control and at one point said to me that if we become more serious that my penis would belong to her and I would only be loyal to her. I accepted it as an experiment. Upon hearing that, she said I was a good boy and we made love.
I realized she was training me through empathy, support, and affirmation. Her open mind was powerful. She was intelligent and well read. She enchanted me. The unique thing about it was how natural it felt. Her direction was more like mentoring.
I’m not a macho person. And she was looking for someone intelligent that also enjoyed reading, film and music. The more we discussed the more she wanted to guide me. She inquired about little things in my life and I found I wanted to be supportive of her. She didn’t ask but I found myself buying her earrings and flowers and helping her in the selection of lingerie and high heels. She asked me after helping her buy one pair of high heels if I had ever given a pedicure and said she loved having her feet pampered. I then learned how to give a pedicure.
Essential to developing our relationship was chemistry – physically, spiritually and intellectually. Carla’s natural take-charge attitude was both nurturing and matter a fact. She cultivated her dominance without explicitly saying I am going to do this or that because I’m dominant. That would have been false for her. She cultivated my submissive nature and I in turn supported her dominant nature without using those words. We fed into each other’s nature. It was erotic.
We got married about 6 months after our first date and with the understanding of each our respective roles. The marriage lasted over 17 years until her passing.
We never used the words female led relationship. Still, that’s essentially what it was. I enjoyed cooking, cleaning and loved waiting on her. I like my “homes” to be organized and she would request that I only wear an apron while I cleaned and cooked.
I really enjoyed giving her massages and if I got home before her I would put together an appetizer and pour a glass of wine. I remember many occasions she would open the door and I could hear from her sighs that she had another rough day. She would sit on our couch and ask me to come over to her and kneel in front of her, offering her pleasure. It was her way of unwinding and also mine.
She liked wearing business suits that were oriented to pinstripe along with ankle strapped heels. She liked feeling sexy. I would help her get dressed especially if she went out for the evening with her friends, both female and male. My work entailed a lot of paper work and so I didn’t mind her evenings out. A happy wife is a happy life is an old saying but true. Indeed it was. We both knew when she returned I would be there for her.
We regularly shared our secrets, fantasies, hopes, desires and issues. We were not free of issues but talked to each other about those issues – that were mostly work and money related. As a couple it seemed easy compared to our friends that had children. We decided from the beginning that we didn’t want children but just wanted to enjoy each other’s company, try to do reasonably well in our careers and be part of what we considered worthwhile causes.
Over the years we explored and experimented with what was erotic and varied our routines, and about eleven years into the marriage after watching a foreign film about a woman that had a man on side on a semi-regular basis…we discussed it and experimented with it on a number of occasions. We talked about issues of potential jealousy related concerns and worked through whatever those concerns might be.
There were times I was there with her so that we both experienced the encounter. Other times I wasn’t there. She experimented with both men and women. I remember more than a few times bathing and massaging her when she returned home or was finished with an encounter and then laying naked in each other’s arms afterwards and talking about it. It was hot. Her exploration added balance to our relationship, reducing my stress to perform and it heightened our love for each other.