When You’re Always ‘Too Much’ For Men
I make no secret of it. I run Conquer Him because I enjoy exploring this relationship dynamic and sharing what I have learned by interviewing and interacting with dozens of couples in Female Led Relationships as well as those who wish they had one.
While I am immersed in this endeavor I still do regular things like work jobs, have adventures and go out on dates. I am not necessarily seeking a Female Led Relationship because it seems that when men express they want a FLR it really means they want to be dominated and I have no interest in meeting a man’s needs when they express them so early. It would be best if they met some of my expectations and then expressed their desires once they actually have carved out a valuable place in my life, but they don’t think about that. They walk around waving the letters FLR like a flag expecting a woman to see the benefit in it when they are really just wanting a relationship that centers around catering to their need to be controlled.
And I really don’t think of myself as dominant because I don’t enjoy controlling others, I only seek to express high standards for the way others interact with me if they are going to interact with me consistently. In other words, if I correct you, it means I care. If I don’t care I won’t say anything about disrespectful behavior, I will just make sure that I never interact with you again.
Am I harsh? I don’t think so. I’m just- expressive. But I have men who are interested in me tell me that I am ‘too much’ or that I ask for ‘too much too soon’ when I express my standards for what I want.
Hearing this doesn’t make me question whether what I am asking for is too much, it makes me feel sad that once again, there is no man capable of rising to the occasion. I’m not asking for the world; it’s the simple things like courtesy and not being treated as an afterthought.
I once asked a man I just met who expressed interest in dating me to always call when he says he is going to call because he hadn’t done that. I also asked him to honor his word and show up when he says he will show up. He became upset by my corrections, told me I was asking for too much and decided to stop speaking to me.
I recently met a man that I was attracted to. It was that tingly, damn-I-want-him feeling so after a few glances and smiles I walked up to him handed him my phone and told him – Put your number in my phone. He nervously complied and sent himself a text message. We exchanged a few texts and then he called me asking me out for drinks.
“I’d like that,” I told him. “I asked for your number because I am attracted to you and I want to see you again.”
He stammered a bit.
“I know,” I said and laughed. “I am aggressive.”
“That’s good. You should always go after what you want,” he said.
“I always get what I want,” I said.
“Great. I’ll be busy early on Saturday but when I get free I’ll give you a call and see where you are and we can meet up if you’re not busy,” he said.
“That’s not going to work for me,” I told him frankly. “I guess you could say I am a bit controlling. I like to structure my time. If you have no idea of a time you can commit to meeting with me on Saturday then let’s not meet on Saturday. I don’t like the idea of waiting for a man to have time for me. Let’s meet on Sunday instead and set a definite time to meet. There’s a place that serves excellent brunch that I wanted to try out.”
“Are you there?” I asked him. “If you don’t want to go, I can go by myself because I have been planning to go there.”
“Uh, yeah. I hear you. I’d like to try that place. I just, don’t know what time I will be free on Sunday either. Can I call you back to set up a time?”
“Sure,” I told him. We hung up.
When I didn’t hear from him the next day I called to say hello. He didn’t answer or return my call. I was disappointed. Like I said, I had that tingly feeling when I met him and that doesn’t happen often. In fact, it hadn’t happened in years. I usually choose from the men who choose me which never works out because I am more excited by men that I choose for myself. But I missed that tingly feeling of attraction, the kind that takes no effort, and I had it with him.
The average woman would say- You did too much. You can’t take the lead like that. You can’t tell him you are attracted to him. You can’t make him commit so fast. You can’t call him if he doesn’t call you. You can’t tell him you are controlling. You’ll scare him away by being too interested.
To that I say- Fuck the rules. I just want to be myself.
I want to say what I want and expect that my desires are met with eagerness. I want to be as loving and kind and flirty as I want to be. I want to call whenever I want to talk. I expect to be respected and cherished. I expect to be valued for my personality instead of told that I need to tone down. I expect that a man who deserves to be with me would be delighted that I am eager to express my interest, attraction and feelings.
There is nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel. So many people treat relationships like it’s a competition or a game but I will tell you the truth- of the couples I have interacted with who have successful FLRs 100% of them are completely honest about who they are and what they want. Their relationships are not about conquering at all, but about mutual respect for their needs and desires.
If I ask a man to set a definite time to meet me that is NOT asking for too much. I NEVER ask for too much. You can NEVER ask for too much! You can only interact with a man who does not have enough to offer.
Even though it would be nice to have someone to share my days with, I have perfected the art of masturbation and I will be alright.
Maybe one day things will change but for now I’ll continue to make reservations for one until a suitable plus one arrives on the scene.
Gotta get some rest- I have plans for brunch.