Are You Married to a Masochist?

A masochist is a person who receives an emotional thrill from being physically or emotionally hurt. This type of person feels most comfortable when being criticized, emotionally abused, punished, beaten or threatened.

If you are a Powerful woman and you are married to a masochist (or dating one) it can often be a bit daunting to realize that the person you care about will not allow you to express your love in the ways that you enjoy most- by being nice. Sure, you can be nice to them but they won’t appreciate it because this is not what they crave. They crave anger, frustration and emotional turmoil. They crave feeling as though they are not good enough. Your repeated efforts to remind them of how amazing they are won’t transform them no matter how much you try, they will continue to be pitiful, to try to provoke you to anger or try to stir things up so that you can be cross with them. They won’t respect you unless you are being critical of them.

Why are they doing this? Why won’t they just allow you to love them?

I see this issue quite often during my FLR Leadership Training for Women. Women present themselves explaining that they are married to masochists and they feel that they can not quite live up to the brutal demeanor that their husbands desire. They feel like they are failing at femdom. Their husbands consistently complain that they are not being dominant enough. This hurts them. They don’t understand why someone would need this –but I do.

I gently explain to these women that the masochistic men they are married to have a different way of receiving love. Through some unfortunate events in their past they understood love to be expressed through pain. It is likely that their primary caregiver was brutal toward them while still expressing love. They don’t understand any other way to be loved. They want domination. They want to feel fear. They want to be afraid of the woman they love. Why? Because to them, fear and pain equates to love.

So what do you do when you are married to a masochist and you are really a nice and sweet woman who enjoys making those around you feel good? How do you handle requests for humiliation and degradation when you would rather be a nurturing woman?

First you must understand that your partner does love you tremendously. By sharing this need, and expressing it clearly, he is revealing a part of himself that most people would never admit. While Conquer Him does not publicly advocate for the S&M and kink community we do have a strong respect for their ability to be self aware, and most importantly self accepting.

How many people do you know remain in abusive relationships but complain about it instead of leaving? Maybe they do leave but they choose someone else who offers them the exact same treatment. The truth is, a part of them secretly enjoys the emotional or physical turmoil. It is likely that they can not identify it intellectually, but the pattern that they choose again and again is a clear indication that they may be masochistic in nature.

You can’t change them. You can’t heal their wounds. You can’t make them wake up and suddenly see that being complimented and appreciated is the best way to receive love. They are who they are. If you choose to love them you should understand that you are loving them as is, with no guarantees that they will change. Is it wrong to love someone who like this?

I once met a young man who was extremely angry at both of his parents. He was angry with his father because he was emotionally abusive toward his mother. He was angry with his mother for accepting the abuse. His father had picked up the emotionally abusive love style from his own father and even though he hated it, he offered the same treatment to his own wife. The wife eventually left him and then came back. The young man was upset that she would accept this behavior but as he told his story I saw a different perspective.

Was this woman a masochist? No. I understood that the mother had an understanding of the father’s behavior and although it could have been emotionally abusive, she did not allow it to hurt her because she understood him, his past and his emotional issue and she learned to ignore the behavior. The young man could not understand this at all. It was her complete acceptance of who he was that allowed her not to be hurt by his behavior and to love this wounded man.

I have PTSD that stems from some childhood traumas. This issue hinders my ability to form relationships because I do not trust anyone. If I were to ever engage in a long term relationship the person would have to fight a battle to keep me. Because of the PTSD my every instinct tells me that I am always in danger and to run as quickly as I can. The person who would eventually become my life partner would have to accept this and work through this with me, enduring my endless break ups and flights out of fear. This person would have to be strong and firm in his decision to love me when I am eager to run to the safety of solitude. My issue is no different from a masochist’s yearning or a sadist’s yearning. Do I not deserve to be loved?

If you want to be a team and partner with this man you can learn how to offer him love the way he needs without completely changing who you are.

Yes, it will feel like a chore at first. Yes, you won’t feel happy to do it at first. But little by little you will begin to understand and even appreciate how vulnerable this man is when he is standing before you asking you to hurt him so that he can feel loved. He is sharing this with you and asking you to honor his painful past in a safe and productive way. He is opening up his soul to you. In return he will give you his unending devotion.

Please honor that.

I do have suggestions and tactics for you to learn how to express love to your masochist without allowing his pain to overpower you, but I will not share them openly because this is not a femdom or female domination community. I do not want masochistic men to come here to be emotionally satisfied by my writing instead of being honest with the woman they are with and requesting this special type of love from her.

While I do not publicly advocate for S&M and kink, I am an advocate for women who desire Female Led Relationships and if this is an issue that you need help with I am here for you.

Before you begin pulling your hair out trying to figure out why you can’t seem to get on board with what he is requesting, allow me to assure you that there is nothing wrong with your relationship. You are simply two people who have decided to love and trust each other enough to be honest about what you need to be happy. Can you give him what he needs? Only you can decide that.

If it turns out that this is too much for you, it is perfectly acceptable to tell him that you are not interested in being his loving sadist. If he truly wants a Female Led Relationship he will respect that and he should appreciate that you considered it. If he can not appreciate your effort and he continues to push for domination or punishment, constantly complaining that you are not being dominant enough, it would be best to let him go. No Female Led Relationship is successful when the man demands certain behaviors from the woman. In fact, he shouldn’t be demanding or complaining about anything. In a loving Female Led Relationship he should be focused on empowering you and making sure you have what you need to be happy.

If you are married to a masochist and you are interested in creating a loving Female Led Relationship you can enroll in our FLR Leadership Training Program and I will teach you everything you need to know about loving a masochist and how to create a loving relationship that satisfies you both.

Everything will be okay. You decide which type of dominant woman you will be.

And you will.

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