Support For Women Being Dominated By Submissive Men
Yesterday I wrote about my realization that men who identify as submissive are too demanding. This realization hit me as I sifted through the responses from a survey I sent out about the fears men have about developing Female Led Relationships. So many men reported that their biggest fear was not meeting a woman who would be dominant enough to satisfy them. This means that the majority of men who identify as submissive and claim they want a Female Led Relationship don’t really want a Female Led Relationship, they want a Female Controlled Relationship that caters to their need to be dominated. They don’t want to be submissive, they want to top from the bottom.
When a woman leads the relationship it means her preferences are adhered to and supported by her male partner. If she does not want to participate in an activity then she does not have to do it. If she does not want to interact in a certain manner then she does not do it. If she believes as a couple that they should move to a new city then they will move. He supports and honors her choices because he enjoys empowering her and he believes she is wise.
Men who identify as submissive do not want a Female Led Relationship for the purpose of following a woman’s lead. They may say they do, but there are so many restrictions and limitations in what he will or will not do that she would come to believe that he does not have confidence in her leadership after all. Men who identify as submissive want a woman who will be focused on controlling him every single day. A good portion of her life should be dedicated to telling him what to do, what to wear and how to behave. She should have lists for him, tasks to complete and punishments if he does not adhere to them. She should spend her time creating ways to demonstrate that she is in control versus spending time enjoying her life and being happy. This is what the submissive men who write to me crave.
This is the antithesis of what I believe a Female Led Relationship should be.
A Female Led Relationship should be a relationship where the man honors the choices of the woman he loves. She is the center of attention and making her happy is his priority. But, according to the many google searches and cries from submissive men, a FLR is about focusing on dominating them.
As I finalize the copy for my FLR Guidebook, offering wisdom for women who want to engage in FLRs I reminisced over all of the beautiful women I have met through my FLR Leadership Coaching Program for Women. My heart broke as I realized that so many of them shared intimate stories of feeling controlled and pressured to perform domination by their submissive husbands. The same story. Emails from women. The same story. Messages on Youtube. The same story.
These women just wanted to love the man who loved them but instead they were being pressured over and over again to dominate, to humiliate, to punish, to violate and to diminish the man’s worth. It took everything in me not to cry as I realized that I was running a support group for women being dominated by submissive men.
THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.
I had to fight with these women to reclaim their power. I ha
d to teach them how to stand up and say NO THIS IS WHAT I WANT. I had to share with them that their opinions and voice mattered more than what the men were begging for.
I don’t want to do that anymore.
I am sorry this happened to you. I am sorry you met this man who decided to trick you into believing that in order to have his support and love you have to be someone you are not. Â He was abusing you. We won’t allow it to happen again. You are good enough to be loved just the way you are. You don’t have to turn tricks to be a man’s pride and joy.
I want to work with women whose husbands truly want to empower them. I want more women like Jenna who joined my class and shared that her husband had given her complete control over the relationship and she wanted help learning how to take full advantage of this opportunity. That was an amazing exchange because I gave her every idea I would have done if I had the support of someone like that.
We have to do something drastic to separate the men who demand that women control them from the men who truly want to honor and empower women.
We have to give it a different name. We have to let the men who crave control and domination go off and find what they want outside of this movement. If we are to truly spearhead a Female Led Society we can’t do it with partners who are abusing women by demanding that they forcefully dominate them.
If we wouldn’t tolerate men forcefully dominating us in relationships then why would we want to do the same to the men we love. That’s enough.
From this day on, if you are a man who claims to be a proponent of Loving Female Led Relationships please do not identify as a submissive man. Men who identify as submissive demand control and domination from women or they will withhold their support and love. That is NOT a good foundation for a Female Led Relationship.
I am not running a support group for women being dominated by submissive men any longer. I am offering empowerment for women who want to lead their relationships, their LOVING Female Led Relationships. We are Goddesses. We do not engage with submissive men who demand that we control them and punish them and act out their fantasies. They can go pay someone for that.
We are Goddesses. We prefer Gentlemen who appreciate our wisdom and leadership. We prefer Gentlemen who want us to respect, love and honor them. We prefer Gentlemen who have opinions and preferences of their own. We prefer Gentlemen who want to see us prosper by any means necessary. We prefer Gentlemen who protect us instead of pushing us into a corner and judging us for not being mean enough. Being mean isn’t being strong. Being strong is knowing what we want from a relationship and not allowing some man to convince us that we should want something else.
We don’t need your fucking approval. We don’t need your promise of submission, love and devotion dangling in front of us like a carrot. You think you’re hot stuff because you pretend that you will do whatever we say. Bitch please. That’s not cool anyway. That’s not sexy. You take your lonely submissive ass on somewhere and stay away from here.
We reject the men who identify as submissive. We won’t sit by why they harass and belittle women who won’t bow to their demands to be dominant in a way that pleases them.
We prefer Gentlemen who are satisfied with loving us just the way we are.
The Goddess and the Gentleman.
That’s a much better fit.
Which one are you?
ORDER THE ENLIGHTENED SUBMISSIVE
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I suppose the perception that I would be asking her to be something other than what she is or that we need to change what we are is why I would never ask for a female led relationship
I see your point. However, it is a good thing to introduce a woman to the concept of a FLR. It is an empowering relationship style. But it’s wrong and hurtful to demand that she do it your way.
The Goddess and the Gentleman…
I can dig it! 🙂
I am happily involved in a female led relationship but I would argue with the premise of this post. When my girlfriend and I looked into FLR – and we spent months researching and reading before we made this lifetime commitment – we both were drawn to the structure of FLR’s. A large part of that structure was discipline and rules. Our FLR agreement has a fairly extensive list of rules and behaviors expected of me by my girlfriend. When I fail to uphold my end of the agreement, my girlfriend punishes me. This is generally corner time, lectures and spankings. I would say I’m submissive in so far as I crave Her control over the relationship but there is no question, I desire to fulfill Her happiness goals by being obedient and respectful of Her wants.
We have an agreement. We both worked very hard on all aspects of it. That agreement covers punishment pretty clearly. When she fails to correct me for my behavior, it bothers me and yes, it comes up in our monthly FLR reviews we have. I express that I need correction as we agreed it should be done. I dont’ see this topping from the bottom or trying to control her. I see it as us honoring an agreement we spent a lot of time working on….together.
I get where this post is going in general, but I wanted to point out that ‘wanting’ to be controlled or disciplined isn’t always a sub trying to control a dominant. It’s not. In our case, it’s adhering to a contract we both signed. And by the way, most of the time, our FLR has been a complete success.
You may want to be controlled/punished but once you demand it or you won’t respect her, that is where I find the issue with submissive men.
I agree with you. My wife and I have worked out an FLR that has worked well for 8 years now, and I am a submissive male. (I should add that we were married for 25 years before starting an FLR, so our attachment runs deeper than the dominant/submissive aspect of FLR).
I think it is a valid point that we “submissive men” can be very demanding. If we don’t understand that about ourselves, the FLR will not work. Forcing our wives to play the role of a 24/7 dominatrix does not empower women. Just the opposite.
But that doesn’t mean that a real FLR with a submissive man isn’t possible. It probably isn’t possible if the woman is turned off by the very idea of male submission. A submissive man and a woman who is turned off by submissive men just aren’t compatible. And even if the woman is open to a relationship with a submissive male, it won’t work unless the male is self-aware enough to know that real submission has to go deeper than his erotic fantasy.
My FLR with my wife works because there are real benefits for both of us. Because I am erotically submissive, it turns me on when my wife makes me do the cooking and housework while she relaxes. When I say “makes me”, she doesn’t actually have to force me. But sometimes she will throw in a playful threat to press my buttons. It also turns me on when she makes it clear that, although she values my input on decisions we make as a couple (e.g. concerning major purchases, vacations, etc.), she expects me to “submit” to whatever she eventually decides. I should add that it works because I do not submit purely for erotic reasons. It does feel erotic to submit. But I am also able to submit because I truly have faith in her leadership.
Her role as decision maker, I should say, is more than an erotic game, although it is erotic. For example, I have to ask for permission to make any major purchase for myself, and if she says “no”, that means “no”. There is no argument about it. Sometimes that kind of real submission is difficult. But I do submit because I get erotic pleasure from submitting. Is that not a win-win?
If there were no real benefits in our FLR for my wife, it would satisfy neither her nor me. But she likes that I cook and clean for her, and she likes that I defer to her as the head of the household in real ways. She likes having control in the bedroom too, to be honest.
Now, what is in it for me? I’ll be honest: it pushes my kink buttons. And because my wife loves me, she wants me to benefit from our arrangement too. To that end, she sometimes pushes my kink buttons on purpose. For example, she spanks me sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. She does it when SHE feels like it, and she has made it clear that I am not to try to control that. She knows that I have erotic humiliation fantasies too–we both talk about our fantasies–so she sometimes pushes those buttons too, in a playful way.
I think that an FLR is like any other relationship in that it only works if both partners want to please one another. And if the relationship does not provide real benefits to both partners, it will not work.
I understand that women don’t want simply to service a submissive man’s kinks under the guise of FLR. That would be frustrating and pointless for a woman. But I don’t really understand why a woman who doesn’t value submissive men would even want an FLR. I mean, honestly, isn’t equality a more reasonable goal if you take kink out of the equation? The expectation that a relationship should serve the needs and desires of only one partner is both impractical and unfair.
You are not entirely missing the point, however when you say it turns “ME” on that I cook for her, “you” have humiliation fantasy’s.
You said me more than you talked about “HER” and “her” needs and fantasy’s.
You are on the right track by committing to this lifestyle but we all have room to improve at our job as a submissive.
I have an 18 yo daughter launching out into the world. I want her wishes to be respected, her dreams to be supported, he intuition to be valued, her heart to be treasured. I will personally go after any man who tries to abuse or manipulate her for his own “submissive” fantasies.
I identify as a gentleman, even while flawed and imperfect myself.
FLR is a emptying of oneself for the sole benefit of her. As we focus on her thoughts and outlook she gains trust in our devotion to her. She sees right through s man’s lies because his desires are not in line with her superior outlook. Once the acceptance of you letting go surfaces only then does she allow you to move forward in the FLR. Devotion has no conditions you must let go, listen and constantly refocus away from your desires so her desires are forfront.
No offence, but that sounds like a fantasy to me. Any relationship that doesn’t benefit both partners will fail.
Serving her delights my inner being to the point of surrendering my person to her will.
Every marriage and also femdom (FLR) marriage should be a win / win. Win for man and win for woman (not only for woman).
Use his fetish for female happiness and for male happiness also.
This is the ideal of Femdom / FLR.
The wise woman will use male fetish and sexuality to her advantage and also his.
Dear Queenie, with all respect, as a man who describes himself as a submissive, I want to share my opinion. I beleive that if a man is seeking to get satisfied his need to be controlled is not a conflict with FLR. To be honest if a man doesn’t feel this need, he’s not going to enter to this relationship. This is how it works with everything. Even when you own a car, you should answer to its needs, regular service, gasoline, tire pressure etc… or you should read the manual instruction for each device you own. If men need to be controlled in FLR, it doesn’t mean they are demanding. It means they need to be treat in a way they could continue to love, honor, worship and serve their Goddess. It is like charging your cellphone battery. It is because you’d be able to turn it on and receive the service you expect. Same with the men.
Best regards
I agree with this post to a certain extent. I do believe that there are men that identify with being a sub but they are not truly submissive. I talk to these men all the time and they usually have the same tendencies. But not all of them are like that. There are men out there that are truly subs and do want to be in a real FLR.
It is hard not to want her more and more. Ftom a sub husband point of view. A good woman , her man craves her abundantly, and years for her connection with him . Jerry