Female Domination Is Not Leadership
I find that many men and women mistake female domination for leadership in a Female Led Relationship. Although it may feel like the woman is leading when she behaves in a dominant manner, it is not true leadership.
Domination happens when the woman exerts her control over the man, choosing his clothes, making decisions for him and even being aggressive in the bedroom. In my opinion, domination is kink. It is a woman’s way to make herself feel powerful or at the man’s request, it makes him feel subjugated which he enjoys.
True leadership is more than that. True leadership in a Female Led Relationship is about setting the vision for the relationship and family progress and guiding the way toward its completion.
If there are important, life altering decisions that need to be made, the person who offers the suggestion is leading the decision. If the man is offering the choices, the woman can always say NO and she may feel empowered by her option to reject or accept. But, in the end, if she is not creating the choices, he is leading the relationship because he is offering the groundwork for the decisions. The person who offers the choices for the decisions is leading the relationship.
Even though many people would not agree that offering choices is being dominant, if I suggest pecan pie or apple crumb cake for dinner because I like those two desserts, the person who chooses from my choices will choose from MY desires. I am leading the person to choose one of my desires. If a man is offering the choices, he is leading and he should not be doing that often in a Female Led Relationship. The woman should initiate the direction of the relationship.
A person who does not offer a choice but simply states their request is not being dominant, that is simply leading the relationship.
From the dozens of women in FLRs I have interviewed, many of them have women who set the tone for the relationship and that is the essence of FLR. Will she be dominant in the bedroom? If it pleases her. Will she allow him to make certain decisions on his own? If it makes her happy. Will she require him to check in at certain times of the day? If she wants.
Can a woman who enjoys catering to her partner, cooking for him, shopping for him and giving him back rubs be considered a leader in a FLR? Of course. Can a Female Led Relationship exist without the woman sexually dominating the man? Absolutely.
Female Led Relationships are about honoring the woman’s choices. FLR is about the woman initiating or setting the groundwork for the interactions within the relationship.
What does she want the relationship to be like? How can a man help support her dreams and goals for the relationship?
These are the questions a couple who desires a Female Led Relationship should ask themselves. Just because she does not want to be outwardly aggressive or controlling in all aspects of the relationship, does not mean she is not leading it.
A woman who has the ability to lead has a much more important responsibility to the relationship than simply being demanding or sexually aggressive. She has the responsibility to create a vision for her family, express it and support its execution. Even when she asks for his opinion, she is leading when she initiates the conversation about the decision.
Female domination practices can be a part of leading a relationship, but they are not the defining factor.
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This is a thoughtful piece and I agree with your conclusions. However, a woman who presents her partner with too many choices may give the wrong impression in the long run. He may come to the conclusion that she has difficulty making decisions and will feel empowered to beat her to the punch with his own options, thinking that is what she wants…help with choices. I agree that a woman doesn’t have to be a severe taskmistress in and out of the bedroom to lead a relationship, however, no rider ever led a horse with suggestions. She has to take the reins and firmly guide him where she wants to go…sometimes even with a touch of the whip to remind him of her superior will.
I agree. My point was- Whomever is presenting the options is leading the relationship. This was a warning not to believe that you are leading if you are only choosing from someone else’s suggestions.
Really!
Pecan Pie or Apple Crumb Cake? Hmm, those are big choices! You do make a man work hard for his dessert, Queenie! Is both an option?
Seriously, though, from my perspective I would not have the audacity to presume that my Lady is remotely interested in catering to my impulsive requests or suggestions. To do so would lessen the strength of our FLR and that would be hurtful to both of us. If necessary to her decision-making process she may ask for my opinion and thoughts on some matter or place various options in front of me for the both of us to discuss, afterwhich I will thank her for her decision. There are doubtless many valid variations of a FLR but our understanding is that I am here to serve and obey her decisions, suggestions, fantasies and whatever else pleases her, not the other way around.
Intelligent feminine wisdom does have the capacity to create loving FLRs but the man ought to keep in mind that it can’t evolve in a vacuum. He needs to work hard to please her, pay attention to her directives, learn from her teachings and improve his service with her loving discipline. And never try to second-guess her. If something is important enough she will suggest it herself without your prompting. My Lady had reason to correct me recently for inadvertently attempting to persuade towards something I thought was important to me at the time. She is patiently training me to keep my mind focused, for which I am grateful.
I meant to comment on the paragraph regarding women setting the tone for the relationship. That has certainly been my experience. My Lady sets the tone and it’s my task to see that she is not displeased. There are small protocols she enjoys, some of which you have mentioned, and which remind me of my priorities and responsibilities. I am required to check in with her at various times of the day. The times may vary from day to day if she wishes. She feels I have need of certain checks and balances to ensure my concentration. In no way does she see this as an exercise in Femdom, simply an effective means to make me a better submissive.
I most say that this article, for me, is the most honest and accurate I have read regarding a Female lead marriage.
So, thank you and congratulations on a well put article.
In my marriage of 25 years, even though it is never being labelled as female lead, my wife leads it.
The way it works is, as I see it, by personality, I love doing anything for her, just the act brings happiness to my heart. My wife is not a person that would treat me bad, humiliate me, and she is very loving. That doesn’t mean that at the end of the day she wouldn’t ask me for a foot massage, or a back massage. She is used of me helping around, as we both work outside the house.
I will do the laundry and ask her not to worry. She will teach me if I do something wrong, but I will continue doing the chores.
An example similar to what you have in your article is vacations. She actually decides where we go and what we do. She will ask me, but she had selected the options, and I would just go where she likes the best. I will give my opinion and she likes it. I know at the end she is leading, and we both love it.
I had one morning changed to go to work, and she told me she didn’t like how I looked, and suggested what pants and shirt looked better. She is not asking me to change, and wouldn’t say anything if I don’t…but I went, changed and then asked her how I looked. She give me a word of reassurance and then we both left for work. I will be smiling ear to ear for having pleased her, and I know she will be happy too.
In short, she doesn’t order me around, but we are to the point where I do what she wants because I love it. And as for intimacy, I don’t get it always when I want, she call the shoots, and really, I love it.
She had told me more than once, no because she is really tired, but at the same time asked of me to give her a back and feet massage while she falls asleep. You could say that I am not gaining anything in that situation, but I feel myself happy as I give her the massage as she falls asleep, even if I wanted intercourse and didn’t get it.
I may be weird, but I am very happy in my marriage. I would love if she actually ordered me “do this”, instead of “could you”, and “please”, but as this is not about me, but about her, I take what I get and enjoy it.
My simple and honest comment.
Juan Guevara