Submissive Men Are Too Demanding
A few days ago I posted a link to a survey asking men about their biggest fear about developing a Female Led Relationship. As the submissions poured in my spirits sank and I felt awful. These anonymous submissions were very important in my quest for a better understanding of why it seems so difficult for couples to engage in Female Led Relationships. What I learned from this survey, coupled with the feedback from women I get during the Women’s FLR Leadership Coaching Program painted a completely new picture of the problem with FLRs.
There were 3 main reasons why men who identify as submissive fear developing FLRs.
3. Submissive men fear being financially abused.
Men wrote in to tell me that they enjoy giving control over to the woman they love but they fear that the woman is only in it for the money and once the money is gone they will be discarded.
2. Submissive men fear that women are too passive.
Men wrote in to share that they have a fear of trying to develop a FLR because they don’t believe the women they meet will be controlling enough or offer them their kinks in the way that they need. They don’t want to be dissatisfied with a woman.
1. Submissive men fear that women won’t respect them.
The number one reason men who identify as submissive fear developing FLRs is they feel they will be considered weak and the woman will not respect them if they are completely submissive to women. They feel that once the respect is gone then the woman will leave them.
Now that we have highlighted the fears that men have let’s talk about the number one issue women report when contacting me about developing FLRs.
Women feel pressured to be the submissive man’s fantasy
Women feel pressured to play a role or perform for submissive men. Women feel that the submissive men they meet are withholding their love in exchange for forceful domination. Women feel overwhelmed by the demands to be a Mistress and give the men what they request, control and domination. They appreciate that the men take good care of them and they feel obligated to be their fantasy in return but truthfully these women have no interest in forcefully dominating, controlling or humiliating the man they love.
Do you see how the submissive men’s fears perfectly align with the issues women report? Do you understand what the issue is?
From my understanding, submissive men are too demanding and will never be satisfied with a woman who simply wants to love them. Men who identify as being submissive identify in that way because they require a specific type of interaction with a woman; forceful domination. They require it. If a woman can not give a submissive man that type of interaction he will not be satisfied.
He goes out and meets a woman and tries to convince her to be more dominating. He ends up pressuring her so much that she feels inadequate. It breaks her emotionally to think that a wonderful man wants to love her but she can’t give him the type of love he wants. She stays with him but inside she feels defeated. She knows he will never be satisfied with her. He is demanding a fantasy that she can’t deliver; a fantasy that she does not even want to deliver.
Now look at this conundrum. Submissive men report that they want a woman who will take complete control of them. They are hesitant to engage with women to develop a FLR because they don’t really believe that a woman could be as strict and controlling and dominant as they fantasize 
about. They meet with women for dates and judge them to see if they will be good enough to give them their domination. They don’t believe women can live up to their standards.
In the same breath men who identify as submissive report that they are afraid women will abuse them financially. So they want to give up control but not all of the control. Yet, they don’t think women can live up with their standards of controlling them properly. Do you see how confusing this is?
Let’s look at the number one reason men who identify as submissive report that they fear developing FLRs. Submissive men wrote that they fear they won’t be respected by women if they give them too much control or behave too submissively.
The majority of humans express respect for each other by honoring each other’s choices.
I respect you so I want to do what you like to do today.
I respect you so I want you to share your preference with me.
I respect you so please tell me where you want to go for dinner and I’ll go along.
If a submissive man wants a woman to take complete control and not give him any choices then he is taking away her opportunity to express respect for him. She wants to honor him by allowing him to make some choices for himself and he does not want to choose. She chooses for him over and over again and he agrees like a robot. How is she supposed to feel about someone who has no desire to think for himself or offer an opinion?
I believe the biggest problem with Female Led Relationships is the men who identify as submissive. They aren’t really submissive, they are playing a role. Submissive men demand that a woman interact with them in a certain way or they will not be supportive of her. They don’t want a woman’s love they want her to perform.
Men who identify as submissive want a FLR to fulfill their own fantasies, not the woman’s fantasy. That is not a firm foundation for a Female Led Relationship. This is why it’s not working.
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Yes! Yes! Yes!
I wish more men understood this.
All this does is confirm that the life style is impossible and where wasting our time trying. The world is built on Male led relationships and those guys who don’t want that will be alone wanting it and paying for what they can get and the women that do want it will either find a guy to give it to them or just be alone until they find the right guy as well.
I disagree. These men need to call what they want by a different name. They shouldnt call it female led relationship if they want to tell the female how to lead. They should call it Abuse And Control Relationships. In a FLR it is about what the female wants it to be and not about being his dominating and abuse and control fantasy.
My sense is that a substantial portion of self-identifying straight, submissive men are better described as sexual bottoms. By that I mean that sexual arousal forms the central component of their submissive feelings. I don’t think that’s necessarily a problem, except when those guys are not self-aware and honest about their own limits, leading to miscommunication and disappointment with potential partners.
To become ready to participate in a full-time FLR, a man needs to acknowledge and surrender a great deal of his male privilege. It’s easy to underestimate how much work that takes because as men we’ve been soaking in it since birth. For example, media and culture relentlessly reinforce the message that female sexuality exists for men’s enjoyment rather than for women’s own. Men were historically accustomed to purchasing access to female sexuality either through marriage or prostitution. Today the purchasing of sexuality continues through pornography, the use of which was once a marginalized activity, but has now become thoroughly normalized.
Thus for many men, there remains a deeply entrenched (and commonly unexamined) attitude: His higher social status entitles him access to whatever gets him off, and he is unwilling to give up any privilege in order to get it. He can preserve his privilege as long as he confines his submission to a compartmentalized sexual fantasy by bottoming. But he must genuinely surrender it–at least within a relationship–in order to create the possibility of a sustainable FLR.
I believe that ironically, the number of women open to an authentic FLR is greater than the number of men. But a large segment of men aren’t ready for one in reality.
I do not think we should be so dismissive of men’s and women’s concerns. In our culture, women are supposed to be attracted to “Type A” assertive guys. Men are expected to ask women out, plan the date, pay and follow up. Now if the man is submissive and doesn’t ask the girl out in most scenarios the woman will not ask them out and will lose interest. Same scenario if he does ask her out and is very nice, and shows any of his submissive traits the women would again lose attraction.
It is not demanding if the guy is concerned that the women would lose respect and no longer be attracted to him if he starts to display his submissive side or comes right out and says it.
Also, there is nothing wrong with kink between two consenting adults. Both men and women can be kinky. I do not agree that no women would want to get kinky with her partner and that they only do it to please their man. I know a lot of women that require their partner to share in their kinks. There are a lot of groups were men, and women get together to explore their kinky sides.
An FLR at its heart is a relationship. Now if one is kinky and the other is unwilling to participate, they might not be compatible as a couple. A woman does take priority in an FLR, but their point of view is not the only one that matters.
Allowing someone to make choices is not the only way to show respect. A woman could still appreciate the guy but no longer be attracted to him when he starts displaying his submissive side.
I do agree that a decent amount of guys who claim to be submissive and want an FLR are just kinksters that want to explore their kinky side.
Not all submissive men are, some could be kinky and want an FLR. Also, I disagree that all submissive men want complete control and to be subjected to forced domination.
I want to be in an FLR, but I do not want someone that will assume total control of my life.
Regardless of gender, trying to led/control your partner in a relationship is a recipe for a train-wreck, at least for most people it is. One of the main reasons for breakups and divorces is, one or both parties complaining about the other being too controlling.
You seem to be late to the party here Junior. This type of relationship exists because they both agree that she should be in charge. It is a mutual choice.
I happen to know one man who is not primarily interested in being controlled, but rather in really loving the woman, his partner. Me!
In my recovery and therapeutic work I am coming to terms with my deep respect for a strong woman and the comfort and meaning I enjoy in supporting her and following her leadership.
Unfortunately, I am not perfect, and the woman who is willing to take me on will need to help me grow into the kind of man she needs, who is consistent in putting her first. But isn’t that the case in any relationship? No one is perfect.
Ugh! This is what I run into and so I do stay single. What I see is that submissive AND dominant men are too controlling. Now why is it that when Dominant Women want to control the relationship does it have to be so controlled by what the man wants? When a dominant man wants a submissive woman and HE controls everything, then not much is said but when it’s the other way around, then it becomes -the woman is too controlling, and it isn’t a viable relationship and he needs it to be the way he wants the rewards, punishments, kinks, sex, or control etc. to be..If men got out of the kinky Mistress, FetLife, CollarSpace etc. and just asked a women they like “What can I do for you?” or “Is there anything I can offer to help make your life easier today?” or “How do you like to be spoiled?” or “What goals/plans are you working on?” then says he could get behind those,,,things like that, and stopped thinking about themselves once off work, and do something to help a woman relax, ease her load, then there are so many women who would appreciate that type of man and the better her life becomes because of his involvement then the more respect he would get from her. I think men would be surprised at how uplifting it could be. But if he tries it with a woman who is used to being used by men who only want her as long as she keeps up the fantasy play and holds the relationship up to the level HE wants, then she probably won’t be respecting him anytime soon. A man can ask how a woman handles her money, no matter how much or little she has, if she can budget, save for things, etc. then she probably would use his the same, and he can ask how she’d use it, can try out a budget or certain amounts first etc. I think good women can be trusted and don’t mind taking time to gain that trust. But FinDoms, lol, those are another story…
Maybe loving FLR should change the relationship name as to not be mixed up, something like WPR=Woman Power Relationships
I like your Style. You’ll find one of us don’t worry. I would offer a date at a local coffee shop after my long flight to say Hello. But it’s like they always say… “The good ones are always taken” don’t you hate that phrase…lmao! Thank you for that post by the way My Lady locked eyes and gave me a smooch after the mental comparison hehe.
My wife is the bread winner. The house and property is in her name along with the cars. I do not have a bank account and my paycheck goes to her. She does let me have some spending money like about $20 once in a while. She controls all five food groups. Yet she won’t formalize her authority over me. She won’t acknowledge my submission. I don’t want equality at all. I want a 100% role reversal of a strict fundamental Baptist marriage. And she is now attending a Baptist Church. I want to go back too where a woman is the pastor and all the women rule over their husbands. I can deal with a couple Joyce Meyers conferences were all the women really rule the roost. I changed all the diapers and woke up and took care of the babies etc. I make supper, Wash dishes, do laundry, clean house make the bed etc just like a 1920’s wife. Yes I iron her outfits etc. I even polish shoes. I have been submitting in marriage for 25 years and I vowed to submit and obey her. She is going along with this Baptist thought in certain ways yet won’t submit to me she wants equality. I don’t want equality because that’s just let’s fight about everything. Some one has to have the final say and the other has to accept that. I tell her she is a better decision maker than me and I appreciate her asking what I think yet I will not make the decision. For 25 years I have been trying to be submissive and obedient to my wife and I am totally afraid that she will be trying too submit to me if this continues. I am just trying too be good to her and I really like being dominated by her. I love holding her bicep as we walk. I ask her to grab my butt in public. She always pays at stores and restaurants. I feel very threatened by the Baptist church. Do you have any suggestions.
In my humble opinion, the fact that men who identify as submissive want an FLR to fulfill their own fantasies, is not entirely bad because the man who prioritizes the will, desires, goals, happiness, success, etc. of the woman over hims, he does it because it gives him pleasure, if not he would not do it, the bad thing is when this man manipulates or influence the way she acts so that the interaction is closer to what he has fantasized. In other words, the fact that a submissive man seeks an FLR to fulfill his own fantasy is not bad as long as that fantasy is that what matters in the relationship is her and not him. By the other hand ¿what would be the proportion of woman who likes FLR y our word (for example in Colombia my country)?
I would never allow any woman to be a dominate over me. Recently i met a Alpha female and i am a Alpha male and it was horrible. It is is my DNA to be a alpha male and nothing on the earth will ever change that. I am not a jerk to women, i did all the things for my wife that you described because i do it out of love not submission. In submission you must surrender part of your self respect and throw away control and give it to a woman. Women can be just as bad to men as men are to women in relationships because women are Sinners too and prone to all the same weaknesses in character as men are.Women also abuse as well and most abuse done by a woman to a man hardly ever gets reported because of society stigma’s associated with reporting it. So women in FLR”s are not immune from doing such things to men.