When You’re Always ‘Too Much’ For Men
I’m single.
I make no secret of it. I run Conquer Him because I enjoy exploring this relationship dynamic and sharing what I have learned by interviewing and interacting with dozens of couples in Female Led Relationships as well as those who wish they had one.
While I am immersed in this endeavor I still do regular things like work jobs, have adventures and go out on dates. I am not necessarily seeking a Female Led Relationship because it seems that when men express they want a FLR it really means they want to be dominated and I have no interest in meeting a man’s needs when they express them so early. It would be best if they met some of my expectations and then expressed their desires once they actually have carved out a valuable place in my life, but they don’t think about that. They walk around waving the letters FLR like a flag expecting a woman to see the benefit in it when they are really just wanting a relationship that centers around catering to their need to be controlled.
And I really don’t think of myself as dominant because I don’t enjoy controlling others, I only seek to express high standards for the way others interact with me if they are going to interact with me consistently. In other words, if I correct you, it means I care. If I don’t care I won’t say anything about disrespectful behavior, I will just make sure that I never interact with you again.
Am I harsh? I don’t think so. I’m just- expressive. But I have men who are interested in me tell me that I am ‘too much’ or that I ask for ‘too much too soon’ when I express my standards for what I want.
Hearing this doesn’t make me question whether what I am asking for is too much, it makes me feel sad that once again, there is no man capable of rising to the occasion. I’m not asking for the world; it’s the simple things like courtesy and not being treated as an afterthought.
I once asked a man I just met who expressed interest in dating me to always call when he says he is going to call because he hadn’t done that. I also asked him to honor his word and show up when he says he will show up. He became upset by my corrections, told me I was asking for too much and decided to stop speaking to me.
I recently met a man that I was attracted to. It was that tingly, damn-I-want-him feeling so after a few glances and smiles I walked up to him handed him my phone and told him – Put your number in my phone. He nervously complied and sent himself a text message. We exchanged a few texts and then he called me asking me out for drinks.
“I’d like that,” I told him. “I asked for your number because I am attracted to you and I want to see you again.”
He stammered a bit.
“I know,” I said and laughed. “I am aggressive.”
“That’s good. You should always go after what you want,” he said.
“I always get what I want,” I said.
“Great. I’ll be busy early on Saturday but when I get free I’ll give you a call and see where you are and we can meet up if you’re not busy,” he said.
“That’s not going to work for me,” I told him frankly. “I guess you could say I am a bit controlling. I like to structure my time. If you have no idea of a time you can commit to meeting with me on Saturday then let’s not meet on Saturday. I don’t like the idea of waiting for a man to have time for me. Let’s meet on Sunday instead and set a definite time to meet. There’s a place that serves excellent brunch that I wanted to try out.”
Silence.
“Are you there?” I asked him. “If you don’t want to go, I can go by myself because I have been planning to go there.”
“Uh, yeah. I hear you. I’d like to try that place. I just, don’t know what time I will be free on Sunday either. Can I call you back to set up a time?”
“Sure,” I told him. We hung up.
When I didn’t hear from him the next day I called to say hello. He didn’t answer or return my call. I was disappointed. Like I said, I had that tingly feeling when I met him and that doesn’t happen often. In fact, it hadn’t happened in years. I usually choose from the men who choose me which never works out because I am more excited by men that I choose for myself. But I missed that tingly feeling of attraction, the kind that takes no effort, and I had it with him.
The average woman would say- You did too much. You can’t take the lead like that. You can’t tell him you are attracted to him. You can’t make him commit so fast. You can’t call him if he doesn’t call you. You can’t tell him you are controlling. You’ll scare him away by being too interested.
To that I say- Fuck the rules. I just want to be myself.
I want to say what I want and expect that my desires are met with eagerness. I want to be as loving and kind and flirty as I want to be. I want to call whenever I want to talk. I expect to be respected and cherished. I expect to be valued for my personality instead of told that I need to tone down. I expect that a man who deserves to be with me would be delighted that I am eager to express my interest, attraction and feelings.
There is nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel. So many people treat relationships like it’s a competition or a game but I will tell you the truth- of the couples I have interacted with who have successful FLRs 100% of them are completely honest about who they are and what they want. Their relationships are not about conquering at all, but about mutual respect for their needs and desires.
Te-Erika
If I ask a man to set a definite time to meet me that is NOT asking for too much. I NEVER ask for too much. You can NEVER ask for too much! You can only interact with a man who does not have enough to offer.
Even though it would be nice to have someone to share my days with, I have perfected the art of masturbation and I will be alright.
Maybe one day things will change but for now I’ll continue to make reservations for one until a suitable plus one arrives on the scene.
Gotta get some rest- I have plans for brunch.
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Te-Erika, I think I speak for others when I say that personal stories and the sharing of deep-seated feelings make for the best blog posts. I appreciate you sharing from your heart. I appreciate you being open and honest on a personal level. Thank you.
I was somewhat confused with your comments on finding men that share their desires for a FLR ‘too soon’ and how you wished they wouldn’t do so. As I read, I wondered if they knew who you were – and the existence of your blog. If they did, I would think that topic would be in the forefront of their minds. If not, then I would think that would depend on the subject matter that you bring up (since I can’t imagine a guy bringing up the topic of a female led relationship on his own 🙂 ).
As to your expectations, they sure do seem reasonable enough. You want to be put first. You want him to put you first. You want to feel special. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. I’m sure there are men out there who can give you that same tingling feeling and also be the kind of guy who can satisfy those other needs you want in a man.
I wish you well and have appreciated your postings on this site. Thank you!
Welcome back and thanks for stopping by!
I do not meet men at all through this blog except for students. I am referring to men I meet on dating sites. The ones who express an interest in FLR on their profiles are always, 100% of the time looking for femdom and someone to be their dominatrix. That is awful in my opinion. I don’t come with a list of needs upfront except for ‘be a man of your word’ so I do not like it when men express their expectations or desire to be dominated. It seems so conditional for our interactions. I don’t want to meet a man’s demands.
Im new here and enjoying reading about FLR. I think your exactly right, most men think of the porn industry femdom. My wife and i have been in this lifestyle since before thier was a term for it. There is a huge difference in a strong woman and femdom.strong females garner the love and respect through inner strength not sex
Good Lord – if the way you wrote it is what happened, you did NOT ask for too much. I am past those days, but would have loved meeting you in the day.
I despise discourtesy. You can tell everything about a person’s character from it. Since he wasn’t interested any longer, he could tell you instead of ignoring you.
Dating others without commitment seems a control element for her. Seems for me a dominant woman committed to the married life is also a good control element. Being a man I am just learning more of a dominant woman’s thought processes. The deeper I am drawn in the deeper my inner peace is stimulated, seems I cannot get enough understanding of what her thought contain.
Dating others without commitment seems a control element for her. Seems for me a dominant woman committed to the married life is also a good control element. Being a man I am confused
Awesome Post! It is soooo common to for me to hear those same things here in Seattle! They use the excuse of not committing to a time to say they are used to schedule changes and are flexible with their time, or that they want to choose what to do with their time so they ditch/ignore/or give the excuse of ‘communication’ issues that were what caused them not to show up. One guy told me he got too busy, so that’s why he ignored me/didn’t show up to a planned/scheduled date. Another guy told me he just changed his mind/didn’t feel like doing that with his time (he said the last time he checked, ppl could do what they want with their time) & told me it was my ‘expectation’ (of him showing up to a scheduled date) that caused too much pressure on him & that was my issue he said, it was my fault (I’m still confused about that jerk, ugh makes no sense). Also, the same thing happens to me here with regards to the phone calls, or anything for that matter that requires they have integrity and respect my schedule, which seems to be too difficult for so many men. I also, have been told I was asking for too much (he said it’s 2017, relationships need to be more equal, then he proceeded to tell me what he expected/wanted, ugh) and decided to stop speaking to me because of this issue too. I’m too busy for men like this. I too stay single and take myself out alone to meals, events etc. It does get lonely but I haven’t found my supportive man yet and know that a controlling man, who’s inconsiderate of my schedule, that doesn’t encourage me in what I want or who isn’t flexible enough in his life to have a relationship that can fit my plans into it, isn’t someone that I can work with or be with.
lol, you asked “Am I harsh?” well, I ask myself that and my answer is that yes, I’m harsh on myself. So, I don’t need or want a man to be harsh on me, I want some relief, relaxation, encouragement, kindness, support, someone to spoil me at times etc.
It is so true that it is the simple things. The control I want over my life, my goals, my wants/needs isn’t controlling others as much as it is me controlling my life & direction and looking for a man who wants to choose to come along, be supportive, dependable, reliable, honest, kind, giving etc. He controls himself in wanting that, so he will want me to be in charge, make decisions, and will ask what he can offer or how he can help. Then he will take charge to make that happen. So, in a sense it’s high control of ourselves.
Thanks so much for these posts, you help me to be better and more confident at being a stronger, more open woman especially when you say things that I feel like “Fuck the rules. I just want to be myself.” lol, yep that about sums it all up for me.
I wish there were many more Women behaving like you, choosing their men and owning them, in a good, loving way.
I do believe you were asking for too much , than man simply said he wasnt free in the morning and hell call you to reschadual, so what did you do?? You sent him 4 or 5 lines of text explaining how you control this relationship, and that is scary to hear from a woman you just met and know nothing about
Take it easy and be flexible next time
Sounds like the wrong guy for you!
Tingling feelings or not.
Dating is tough. So many games are played. If any person man/woman is not willing to commit to a time it is disrespectful to the other,
I can’t see the value of announcing FLR to a potential mate before a relationship is established. As you said earlier in your post, your not interested in catering to a strangers fantasy either.
Fair enough. You have to get to know each other first. That person must have value in your life.
I think too much emphasis is put on finding a FLR first. If you seek that lifestyle, find someone who you are combatable with, share values. Don’t try to categorize anything. FLR s can come in all different shapes and sizes and have been around for thousands of years long before anyone put a label on it.. i know many couples who live FLR and just call it their marriage/relationship.
I absolutely agree with you when most men ( if not all), approach a woman with the concept of FLR, it is kink driven.
I speak from experience, as when i introduced my wife of 25 years to it.
Also agree with your approach. You value honest communication and directness. I’m sure many will find that attractive. The guy is just wrong for you.
I wish you luck if finding someone who is worthy of you, that values you to treat you like you deserve.
Peace
Nick
Te-Erika, You are a righteous woman who deserves a man who is ready to dedicate his life to you. That guy was a player. Just keep your heart open and follow your inner truth. That divine guidance that comes from deep inside of you makes you a very special woman. Very few people are committed to their truth, but it seems that you are and that makes you so awesome that few men will ever be able to handle you. Don’t diminish yourself to align with men who can’t take the inner power you express. You must be yourself, you know that and you are right on!
Many Blessings and Aloha, George
If you feel people are overwhelmed by your power- you know you are quite something. Kudos to your power and Kudos for your expectation that it will be met. If you date you don’t just want to be entertained – you expect to be blown away. Don’t settle for less until you are blown away. Be entertained and hurt in the process or be amazed. For to connect to amazing people is what we want to go for in Loving FLR. Thank you for the insight
You know what you want and wont settle for anything less. That very admirable and the majority of the world should have their pen and paper out, taking notes in awe. Its not even really assertive, its just proper self-esteem, self worth, and self confidence. And the fact that youre so content alone if people cant handle respecting your wishes is a very rare quality! You should be very proud of the way you carry yourself, i just stumbled onto this article and WOW! Im proud of you and dont even know you! Keep up the good work!