Why Should I Want A Submissive Man?
I recently had my first experience with a submissive male. Well, this wasn’t my actual FIRST experience. The first submissive male who approached me forgot to tell me he had a domme until 3 weeks after we started dating. That happened a little over 2 years ago.
So this was my second time allowing a submissive man who approached me to gain my attention. Too bad he was not concerned with being considerate of our agreement and my limits so I had to let him go. I set a limit that he could not call me (he could text instead) and he proceeded to call me repeatedly anyway. After the 2nd phone call I told him there would not be a 3rd time with him disrespecting my wishes and I changed my number so that he will not disrespect me again. And I deleted his number.
It was quite easy for me to let him go, simply because I am very content and happy as a single woman. In fact, my life is so much better when I am not dating. I enjoy outings and events and adventures so much more when I am doing them alone.
Allowing any person, man or woman, into my life, is usually done out of idle curiosity, wondering if I have been wrong to conclude that life is just so much more amazing when I am walking alone.
So after the fiasco with the last submissive man, I posted on Facebook about it and my friends all said that I was way too strict. I posted on Fetlife about it and I received a private message saying that I was awesome for setting a standard and teaching him a lesson he will never forget.
In all of these mixed opinions, I know what feels right for me and I usually follow that knowing that there is not ONE SINGLE individual on this planet whose life success makes me want to be just like them. In that respect, there is no one’s opinion that I value over my own.
With this beautiful freedom of never valuing anyone’s opinion above my own and never compromising who I am to gain the respect or attention of others, I find myself alone all of the time, which, I find peace in.
As I sat here tonight, thinking how grateful I am that I got rid of that submissive guy, I wondered why I always feel so relieved whenever I remove someone from my life. I also wondered what the hell makes people want to be in relationships.
When I am interviewing couples and I hear the pride in the voices or read the stories of how they treasure each other, I get it. But whenever I interact with someone, I think- Why would anyone want to put actual effort into maintaining this bullshit?
If I had decided to give that submissive guy yet another chance after I had already punished him TWICE for non compliance I would get to enjoy—
- Teaching him how to respect me by more rules and punishments
- Teaching him how to be a better man in this world
- Teaching him how to dress
- Teaching him how to respect himself
- Setting career goals for him and making sure that he achieves them
- Setting fitness and nutrition goals for him and making sure that he achieves them
- Rewarding him with his kinks when he finally does something correctly
- Molding him into a better version of himself
- Teaching him how to think about things other than sex and cartoons
Ok. So he gets ALL of that and what do I get?
I get a clean kitchen and bathroom? I get a warm meal?
I can pay someone to do that shit.
This morning I am a little cloudy and I am hoping you can help me by sharing, why I should want a submissive man?
I see how the man benefits but I do not understand what I could have gained from spending my energy pouring love and correction into him, especially if he was not wise enough to respect my limits.
I really, am clearly disenchanted by the idea of it at this point.
Please share your thoughts.
Queenie
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I have been in your position a couple of times too. I learned that coming on strong is the wrong technique even if he professes to be submissive and cares only about your needs and desires. When you think or fantasize about gender role changes and think it could be wonderful but then put it into practice I found it to be challenging.
I discovered a more successful technique which is to keep the male at arm length for many months before you get serious and invite him into your home. I lay down a few rules but not many and I don’t go crazy anymore when he doesn’t obey. This technique is a kind of “tease” and has worked on my current male. I love your web site by the way…Jade
Thanks for the response. I am very detached when it comes to men. Maybe your approach would work if I became interested in long term, or maybe I should wait until I meet someone I actually respect for more than service. Regardless, I am not so strict but my limits are important to me. Having someone call my phone whenever they like feels like someone having access to my purse. I don’t like that feeling and he agreed not to do it and did it anyway.
I honestly have no desire to force someone to comply with my limits. I do not consider it to be a challenge to make a man behave. I want willful, loving compliance. Thanks for your advice. I am sure it will be helpful to many!
Dear Queenie,
I do understand what you’re getting at, but I just want to mention that you already do have a number of submissive males more-or-less at your beck and call, not all of us at arm’s length, but all of us delighted to be in your service in varying capacities. I have no idea exactly how many submissives you have drawn into Conquer Him’s orbit, but I do believe we owe you a debt of gratitude. I would encourage all of them to demonstrate their appreciation by tributing you in whatever way they can. An intelligent empowered woman’s time is valuable and we gain so much from your hard work.
As far as a personal relationship is concerned, a man who is not intimidated by your obvious strengths and intellect, who encourages you develop them, who works hard to make your journey more rewarding, might be worth your while cultivating. A man who stands in your way, is insecure with your feminine power, is disrespectful to you in any way, needs kicking to the sidewalk. You’ll know it when the real thing comes along.
As a submissive male I must learn and work on knowing the difference between serving to get my jollies and needs met or serving to make HER happy. The fastest way to see the WHY I am serving is look at what the woman is getting from my service. If I clean her kitchen and see is glad for the clean kitchen, but she does not feel connected with me and we are not both drawn together emotionally through the experience. I just got my submissive jollies, while she in reality received nothing of value from my service. That is not really submission.
If through my service she sees and connects with that I am doing it FOR HER, she will be happy and continue to develop a loving and trusting relationship. It is not the act in and of itself that brings the relationship it is the intention, purpose and the connection that develop a deeper relationship.
Bottom line is there is no quick way to develop any type of relationships. Good relationship COST thought, time and effort. A submissive male must answer the question why am I doing this ? If it is for the ACT be honest and pay to play with women who want that. If it is for a relationship PAY ATTENTION TO HER, less focus on the act and more on her reaction and her needs. Pay the right price for the right reason.
Thank you! This was awesome!
Submissive men appeal to a certain kind of woman at this point in history. These are women, like me, that were raised to be independent and strong. I grew up in an environment where my mother was the dominate one in our household. She worked and my father was employed part time his whole life. He was warm and caring toward my mother and he did many of the household chores etc. As a result of my background it is easy to see why I enjoy the company of a submissive male. I like the role reversal that comes with being independent and financially secure women and the
males that like supporting me in my career and at home. I don’t put a lot of pressure on the males in my life because I have been lucky to find ones that seem to enjoy serving and supporting me. I love coming home to a man that is waiting for me and worships me. We have fun together just like a regular couple. Women if they could be in my shoes for a couple of weeks would never go back to their “male in charge life.” Things are changing though and I think more women will see the benefit of a FLR as time goes on.
I agree that a woman should set high standards right from the start and if the man can’t accept and follow her rues immediately than he deserves to be let go. This kind of man will be trouble if you allow him to lower your standards. He thinks of himself not you…kick him to the curb. Everyone is different but sometimes I think it is better for some women to have a service submissive come in (or live in) for strictly housework and cleaning chores.(sure you could hire someone..but it’s not as satisfying) and have a submissive partner for an intimate all rounded relationship. One for chores…one for cuddling . Not for everyone..just my thoughts.
I’m a bit late to the party! Reading the comments I get a sense that it’s still all from the lens of a very fetishised / kinkified perspective.
That’s not how I see FLRs, but I guess that’s just my perspective. The “support” offered in a true FLR is not one offered in a kink-related way: just like I support a friend’s endeavours, I would support my partner’s, in a totally vanilla way. As a person who enjoys helping others (thereby, not a submissive helper, just a giving person), there would be a naturally comforting presence in being able to have another person there for when assistance is needed.
I understand the concept of “my opinion above everyone else’s” (I am the same), but sometimes a second opinion helps me form a final decision. There is more to is as well: I would imagine, in your case, companionship is not important to you, and therefore a relationship, in general, is of no relevance to you. That said, I’ll try to put together a few points…
• a useful male is one that does not need as much guidance & training as you point out above; a simple nudge in the right direction “I don’t like when… I prefer when” should be enough. If you are exerting too much energy giving to the male then you are with the wrong male.
• a useful male is one who, despite your not needing anything from them, simplifies and reduces your need to exert effort in things that you don’t want to. For example, my Woman doesn’t like getting messy with ‘techie’ things, and so relies on me to make sure she never needs to. Sometimes, it’s as simple as she’s on the couch and too lazy to grab another bottle of cava from the kitchen.
• another element that you have not particularly mentioned above is the notion of “I am not a dom(me) if I don’t have somebody to be dominant of”: while individual play on a routine is fun, building a playful relationship that gives you pleasure the way you want it to on a consistent basis is part of the fun for most dominant people I know who are in said relationships. Being with someone who understands that you decide and understands that it’s about your pleasure with their pleasure being a byproduct is a big reason why my girlfriend chooses to be with me.
Lastly, I do think that it would definitely make more sense that you won’t be happy with a partner you do not respect. In that sense, a service toy will be fun once every few weeks, but a male who is consistently in your life will have to be somebody who you respect, who submits totally to you and does not do silly things like disobeying direct orders such as the “don’t call me” directive.
Did I miss something? I hope my answer was helpful, and I’d love to know if your stance on the subject has changed since last year…
I just now saw a link to this post on twitter. A very relevant post, with such thoughtful and supportive comments/responses already posted.
A submissive man should be working just as hard, actually harder, than his Lady on the list from the original post:
Teaching him how to respect me by more rules and punishments
Teaching him how to be a better man in this world
….
The man should be providing all the energy and drive to pursue that list, which allows the woman to direct or nudge that energy in the ways she desires without it feeling like so much work.
And, the right man will be working on his own list:
– Devoting himself to her joy, fulfillment, and empowerment in all areas that she desires.
– Supporting her, if she needs it, to focus not on “is she doing this right” but on “what will she find most rewarding or fulfilling” in any given situation.
– Being a supportive listener & (when requested) coach to help her achieve her career goals. This can include financial support.
– Supporting her to achieve her fitness or nutrition goals. This includes learning how to cook healthy & delicious food for her if need be, or helping her find (or make) time for exercise.
– Being available for her sexual pleasure whenever the mood strikes her and in the ways that she desires in that moment. This can be more difficult than it sounds. Examples: he has a bad day at work and comes home to find her very much in the mood. He is able to shift gears and focus to please her, & seek to discuss his work frustrations later. Or, she wants him to take the lead in the bedroom – this doesn’t come naturally to most submissive men but he can learn to be a great “service top” for her in exactly the ways that please her most.
– Supporting her to dream big for herself & help her surprise herself about what dreams she can achieve.
– Supporting her to prioritize herself, what she needs & desires, in all situations in her life, not just within the relationship. Not in a selfish way, but in the way that understands that all love begins with self love.
From this standard, there aren’t actually many submissive men in the world, in my experience. There are a LOT of “bottoms”, to use BDSM jargon: by that I mean men who might think they are submissive but really they want certain (usually kink) activities done to them. Their prime motivation is not to prioritize & elevate their (potential) Lady’s choices.
So you were wise to discontinue with the man who could not honor the simplest of your choices. If Maîtresse has to ask me to do anything more than once (which is very rare), the correction is severe. More than the correction though, to see her frustrated with me feels like I have failed her deeply in the list of expectations I have for myself; so I re-double my effort in whatever it was she had to remind me about.
You deserve the same energy and focus.